Off Asides On Dallas Cowboys

9
Posted August 14, 2009 by Jeff Prince in Blotch

Okay, sports fans, the season’s first preseason game is here and I’m settled in the couch. The game started an hour ago but I’ve TIVO’d it so I can skip commercials.

My work colleague Anthony Mariani thinks it’s a sin to TIVO a sports game – everything must be watched in real time so that you are part of a universal collective of humanity cheering as one for the home team. I think he did too many drugs as a kid.

FIRST QUARTER

Felix Jones touches the ball, scampers like the ghost of Tony D, and makes me immediately start thinking about planning a Super Bowl party.

The first team offense looks ragged but “win” their portion of the game 7-3. Now Jon Kitna’s coming in as quarterback and I’m just now noticing something strange about him – the man has no neck.

Martellus Bennett is looking like his play might match his hype this year. If he turns into another Jason Witten and becomes a star, I’ll bet the audience for his off-the-wall video streams on MartyBTV start to get bigger. And that’ll mean more scrutiny and pressure on him to grow up and be serious and focused. Don’t do it, Marty B! You gotta be you, man.

The cameras are completely ignoring the cheerleaders, and I want to know why.

SECOND QUARTER

The Cowboys silver-and-blue on white uniforms look really classy. The Oakland Raiders’ black and silver look horrible in comparison.

Our defense might look classy in their jerseys, but they are playing like they’re running up hill, in the sand, in high heels. Cowboys down 7-10.

Coach Wade Phillips looks like he wants to kill somebody. Or else he’s constipated. It’s hard to tell with Wade.

The TV announces the upcoming Paul McCartney concert on Wednesday at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. He should dedicate “Let It Be” to Cowboys fans who persist in making a big deal out of Marty B’s harmless videos.

Kitna fumbles a snap, picks it up, and then tries to duck a tackler, but it’s difficult to duck when you have no neck.

WR Sam Hurd and Kitna got a good thing going on. Miles Austin better watch out or he’ll soon be Miles and Miles From Austin.

Damn it’s good to be watching football again. The off-season dragged on forever.

HALFTIME

Babe interviews Jerry Jones and I gotta admit, Jones has one of the best toupees around. And that face lift he got a few years back is starting to loosen up a little and make his face look more natural than it has been. He looks good for a man his age, except for the Herb Tarlick suit he’s wearing.

Damn, this game started late. I’m growing sleepy…sleepy…slee… .


9 Comments


  1.  
    anthony.mariani

    Romo played, what?, two series?! A total of, what?, 10 snaps?! Tom Brady (three Super Bowl victories) and Ben Roethlisberger (two Super Bowl victories) each played pretty much the entire first quarters of their respective games last night. (Brady even played most of the second quarter.)

    You get where I’m going with all this? ;)




  2.  
    jeff.prince

    Uh…that Wade Phillips is smarter than the coaches at Pittsburgh and New England?




  3.  
    anthony.mariani

    If by “smarter,” you mean “softer,” then, yes. Wade Phillips is “smarter” than both Mike Tomlin and Bill Belichick.




  4.  
    JValdez

    Listen Mariani being a coach is like being in a band you dont want to play all you kick ass rcking songs right at the begining. Sure you play one to kick it off then you kick it into coast for a while. play some hits from the 70′s and 80′s. Then 3/4s of the way blow their face off with an explosion of Rock. Case in point. Its the PRE-season. Dont want to show everyone your set list at the begining of the tour!!!




  5.  
    jeff.prince

    Brady was out of football for a year and needed the extra work. Ben was given more reps to keep his mind off the rape trial. Romo is good to go.




  6.  
    Apocalypse

    The beginning of the end for Wade and Co.

    Kickoff return to 14 yard line. holding.
    Romo almost intercepted. Barber no gain. no gain again. punt 30 yards. Defensive pass interference. down 3 points. No one had even broke a sweat.

    Welcome to your 2009 Dallas Cowboys.




  7.  
    Apocalypse

    The beginning of the end…… part 2

    3rd and 7. Receiver runs a 4 yard out. punt. team.

    Garrett signs with Home Depot next year.




  8.  
    Apocalypse

    The beginning of the end …. part 3

    2 backup lineman run toward Bobby Carpenter. a 1st round linebacker… Bobby runs away.

    Where’s Kevin Burnett?? They let him walk.
    Great job Jones’s




  9.  
    Apocalypse

    The beginning of the end….part 4

    1st and goal.
    loss of 2 yards, loss of 18 yards, incomplete pass.
    missed field goal.

    How much do the tickets cost at Jerry World?





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