IffySwift Justice

An immodest proposal for tykes’ right to carry.
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Posted May 25, 2011 by E.R. BILLS in News

Oh boy, here we go again. Last month, a kindergartner carried a gun into a Houston elementary school, and it fired when he was trying to pull it out and show it off at lunch. There’s no mystery regarding what happened next: The peacemongers had a hissy-fit.


One 6-year-old has a shooting accident, the discharge of which barely scratches two of his classmates and hardly harms him, and the gun control patrol pounces on firearm advocates like ducks on a bug.

The peacemongers are absurdly predictable. You can almost set your watch according to their paranoia.

The spread of gun freedoms makes the gun controllers nervous, so they look for any reason to limit our Second Amendment rights. Now they’re even talking about putting metal detectors at elementary school entryways, as if we didn’t already have enough ways to waste the taxpayers’ money.

Well, I’ve got bad news for the “Love Thy Enemy” crowd. If Gabrielle Giffords had been carrying a gun at the Casas Adobes Safeway supermarket parking lot on Jan. 8, maybe she could have nailed Jared Lee Loughner before he shot her in the head. And if the little girl who was killed had prepared like the Houston 6-year-old, she could have defended herself.

Isn’t it possible that the kid who brought the gun to school just wanted to exercise his God-given, constitution-ally established right to protect himself? Is it possible he was tired of being bullied?

After all, a few weeks back, President Obama was lecturing us all about bullying. Problem solved.

If all the kids in schools carried guns, there wouldn’t be any bullying. And teachers — well, they’re just another branch of the government, out to brainwash our children, and Lord knows we have to protect ourselves from the government. And if politicians would just accept the wisdom of the voucher system that would let us redirect our tax dollars to private Christian schools, we wouldn’t have to send our precious little ones to those nasty public
schools anyway.

The move to keep handguns out of elementary schools is just another attempt by the liberals to take away our freedoms, deny our rights, and legislate the sissy song of naive peacemongers.

Here in Texas, good patriotic Americans like Gov. Rick Perry are making it easier to vote if you’re white and own a gun. At least Perry knows who should be at the front of the line.

Over in Florida, Gov. Rick Scott is helping other good patriotic Americans in the Sunshine State to pass a bill to keep gun-owning parents from being harassed by pediatricians, who routinely assail them with intrusive, judgmental questions like “Do you own a gun?” and “Are you keeping it stored properly?”

When did foot doctors start working in cahoots with the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives?

I, for one, am not going to stand for it. My kids will make me a grandpa someday, and I’m going to insist my grandchildren be allowed to carry firearms to their elementary schools. I’ll even take it a step further. I’ve decided I’m going to design a baby bottle that gives up the milk only when the kid pulls a little trigger on the side. It will limit their oral fixation and increase their manual dexterity. They’ll be aiming before they can read and shooting little birdies before they can walk. They’ll be gun-toters instead of gum-flappers.

It’s time to stand up to the peacemongers. There’s no use in sheltering our kids. The world is a dangerous place, and we don’t want them showing up to a pillow fight with a pop-gun. Might as well get our children used to the real thing and prepare them to do their civic duty.

Freedom isn’t free. And neither is self-delusion.

If the gummint wants my guns, they’ll have to take them out of the toy boxes of my precious future grandbabies.

Gun Bless … I mean God Bless America.


E.R. Bills is a Fort Worth-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in numerous publications.


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