I’ve been thinking lately that Santa Claus must be stopped for the sake of the children. His gluttony and generosity will only encourage more obese kids with unreasonably high self esteem. There’s no need to completely throw out tradition, though, so I say in 2012 we give Krampus the Father Christmas gig.
As I recently discovered, Krampus is Santa’s demonic, goat-like sidekick in the holiday legends of Austria, Bavaria, and other Germanic countries. The pair of them pull a variation on the “good cop/bad cop” routine –– Santa rewards good kids with toys and treats, while Krampus drags bad kids to his cave and eats them. Krampus long ago figured out what every child has always known: “Lumps of coal” are a lame, hollow threat.
I say let Krampus deal with the bad kids and the good kids. Lest you think I’m heartless, let me explain. Early childhood visits to drooling mall Krampuses will serve as effective deterrents to naughtiness and render the whole “devouring children” thing moot (except for a few hard cases). And kids will get excellent early practice on how, as adults, to deal with hellish bosses who dole out their paychecks. Merry Krampus Nacht, everyone!