Hey Yu Put On Yo Clothes And Play For The Rangers
I went to one of those big box stores to check out a high-def TV selling for $500 — except when I arrived, the store wanted to charge another $1,000 just for the rights to shop there.
“WTF?” I said, since I always speak as if I’m texting. “OMG! LOL!”
Then I woke up and realized the Texas Rangers are influencing my dreams.
See, the Rangers are willing to pay $51.7 million — $51.7 million!!! — just for the rights to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish. Then they’ll have to offer many, many more millions of dollars to sign him.
It’s crazy. It’s a gamble.
Darvish has got an impressive pitching record in Japan, but he’s never played against Major League Baseball players. They’re so ‘roided up they make Godzilla resemble one of Yoko Ono’s lap dogs.
On the other hand, Rangers president Nolan Ryan loves this guy. Had his eye on him for years. Because of his pitching. Not because Darvish is a pretty boy married to sexy Japanese screen queen Saeko.
And certainly not because the young pitcher likes to pose in fashion magazines and dribble water down his neck instead of in his mouth.
“I put my pants on one leg at a time,” Darvish allegedly did not say. “Sometimes I don’t put them on at all. That’s the way I egg roll.” (Yes, loyal readers, that is the worst joke to ever appear in Blotch.)
Forget the skin and the hot wife and cover shots. Nolan likes the kid’s pitching style, 90-plus mph fastballs, and competitive spirit.
I’m sticking with Nolan.
Let’s get this Darvish dude signed and make our third consecutive trip to the World Series.
Fans will tolerate his narcissism if he helps bring home a World Series trophy.