Perry Insinuates He’ll Run Again for Governor… And President

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Posted November 16, 2012 by Andrew McLemore in Blotch
Gov. Rick Perry at the 2012 CPAC Conference in D.C. COURTESY OF GAGE SKIDMORE.Gov. Rick Perry at the 2012 CPAC Conference in D.C. COURTESY OF GAGE SKIDMORE.

Well, the evidence has arrived: Mr. Goodhair will in all likelihood run again in two years for Texas governor — and possibly for president in 2016.

In an interview at the Republican Governors Association meeting in Las Vegas, Rick Perry essentially made it clear that he’s not going anywhere, and all but declared his candidacy for 2016.

“I tell people I’m healthy, I’m passionate, I still love what I’m doing. If you’re not positive on both of those, you’re not going to [run]. I’m positive on both of those,” Perry said. But, he added, his grin slowly spreading: “It’s too early to make any decisions on 2014, or 2016, or 2018, or 2020.”

After Perry’s disastrous bid for the Republican nomination for president (my favorite moment was not the infamous “oops” that delivered the killing blow to his campaign, but his rambling, loopy, possibly drug-induced meltdown in New Hampshire), he joined the ranks of every other unhinged, hard-right Republican presidential candidate (hint: all of them).

And now it’s likely we can expect the same thing all over again from a guy who is already the longest-serving governor in Texas history, begging the question: Why the hell don’t we have term limits for governor? Or for the legislature? Or for Congress, for that matter?

Do we really believe only the president has the power to royally fuck things up when allowed to stay past his welcome?

Maybe it’s time to come up with a new title for our state’s executive branch. Something like “Supreme Dictator,” or “Automated Autocrat,” or “He Of The Glorious Toupe.”

Since President Barack Obama was reelected (heralding, as we all know, the end of democracy, gun rights, heterosexual marriage and puppies), more than 100,000 Texans, more than in any other state, have signed a petition for secession. Perhaps these are the same people that apparently don’t seem to mind reelecting the same guy, however you feel about him, over and over and over again.

There’s no small amount of irony that these are doubtlessly the same people who complain about all those mindless liberal zombies voting for Obama’s reelection while apparently ignoring that they voted for the same education-gutting, pollution-loving, women’s healthcare-slashing governor four times.

If Texas actually did secede, what would that make Perry?

President? Prime minister? King? Queen?

That last one’s not a bad idea, actually. Dress him in drag and give him whatever he imbibed before that New Hampshire speech and we’ve got our own backwoods transvestite monarch. Maybe then he could finally get the support of those sexually deviant Austinite weirdos.

Long live Queen Perry!


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