Off Asides On Dallas Cowboys vs Giants 2013

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Posted September 9, 2013 by Jeff Prince in Blotch
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Regular readers of “Off Asides” know that statistics, deep analysis, or even wins and losses don’t figure prominently in this column.

“Off Asides” are just that – random, slightly askew thoughts that slide easily into my lubricated brain while watching football games on Sunday.

Like near the end of the first half, when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning torched the secondary for a long touchdown that cut the Cowboys lead to three points. After the commercial break, the TV camera showed the Cowboys defensive backfield on the sidelines, huddled together on their knees, heads bowed in prayer.

I tried to envision the prayer:

Dear Lord, protect us from the hitch and go, look upon our zone coverage with love, bless our blitzes, and please allow Demarcus Ware to apply more pressure to Eli Manning and maybe even break his leg like the Giants did to Joe Theismann back in 1985. Amen.

And imagine if a prayer were too specific:

Dear Lord, our defense only got 16 takeaways all of last year, and so if you see clear to grant us, say, five takeaways tonight, you will have been more than generous and gracious, and this would allow us to win the game for sure, our father! Amen.

Wrong.

Despite coughing up the ball five times, Manning and the Giants were still poised to drive downfield and win the game in the waning minutes.

It took a rare sixth turnover, a Brandon Carr interception returned for a touchdown, to secure this victory.
And even then, the Giants came close to getting an onsides kick and allowing Manning one last shot at heroics.

But the Cowboys won, 36-31 and now they’re in first place and the Giants are in last place, and that’s a good place to be at any point in the season.

By the way, how many of you are planning to ditch Verizon and Sprint now that AT&T is paying a reported $17 to $19 million a year for its stadium endorsement deal with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones?

Didn’t think so.

During yesterday’s pregame and halftime shows, most TV announcers referred to the stadium as Jerry World or Jerry’s Stadium. That would piss me off if I were paying almost $20 million a year to put my name on it.

Before the game started, I texted a friend to say, “R U Reddy For Some FB?????!!!!”

“Are You Ready For Some Football” was a badass song and a great way to start Monday Night Football for many years, at least until Hank Williams Jr. transformed into a more redneck version of Ted Nugent and got himself and his song kicked off the show. The song title has become a part of pop culture.

“Waiting All Day For Sunday Night,” on the other hand, is a lame-o crap song and serves no purpose other than to give the presumably predominant male viewership a sexy music video to watch before the game.

In summary: Hank Jr. has the best song; Carrie isn’t batshit crazy.

I’m trying to imagine a scenario in which God would favor one team over another.

Did you notice that Tony Romo ran out onto field at the beginning of game looking like a wild-eyed linebacker, all excited and jumping around? And on the sidelines he wore his gimme cap with the bill pointing forward, rather than turning his hat around like a hip hop artist and upsetting mainstream America.

I guess a wife, kids, and $108 million will help you to grow up and mature more quickly. I’d sure like to test that theory. All I need is a fertile woman with $108 million.

Who is George Selvie and when did he become the second coming of Harvey Martin? Well, since this is a column it’s apropos to answer my own questions: The Cowboys signed the 26-year-old defensive end in July off the street after he was cut by Tampa Bay in May. The Cowboys must have a really intuitive general manager.

(Note to self: Pay more attention to preseason.)

Despite a holding penalty on the team’s first possession, left tackle Tyron Smith slew the Giant that has been tormenting the team in recent years, Jason Pierre-Paul. Smith isn’t the typical tub of guts you see on offensive lines. He’s 6 feet 5 inches tall and 308 pounds with six-pack abs and no body fat. And he kicked Pierre-Paul’s ass.

ESPN Sunday Night Football was all about the new 360-degree camera technology last night. It’s a cool concept when it works, but the players and field looked fuzzy and out of focus sometimes. Until they get it right, they need to dump it.

Hustle Play of the Game – Cowboys running back DeMarco Murray sprinted the length of the field to tackle a Giants player after an interception in the first quarter. Murray kept him from scoring by tackling him at the one-yard line. The defense held firm for three plays, forcing the Giants to kick a field goal. You could feel the momentum switch back to the Cowboys.

Maybe God wanted the Cowboys to win last night so that the players would go out and celebrate, and one of them would hook up with a hot waitress, and their resulting love child would grow up to become an old man, and one day in 2093 that old man will be sitting at a bus stop eating Spanish peanuts and drinking a Coke when a baby carriage slips from a mother’s hand and rolls out into the street in front of an oncoming bus, but the old man throws his body over the baby and sacrifices his life to protect the child, and then that kid grows up to become the Martin Luther King Jr. of the 22nd Century.

Go Cowboys!


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