Static
Earth to .....
Ironic that a business called Earthlink would have so many employees with their heads in outer space. First, Earthlink.net assaults Static's already bleeding bank account with seven debits for $21.95 on one day, for monthly charges that weren't even supposed to start until April. Static reeled off an e-mail to customer service. The next day, account manager Frank No-Last-Name sent an 800 number to call where someone would "fix" the problem. The bad news: Frankie sent a wrong number. The sorta-good news: The number was for a phone sex company. A sultry-voiced there said she didn't want to, uh, melt with exaltations of arousal all by herself. Static was confused -- had the company changed their name to Earthylink? Static hung up, having given up phone sex shortly after country crooner Kenny Rogers became an aficionado. Maybe a phone call to Earthlink would yield better results. One automated phone-menu odyssey and five minutes on hold led to the voice of actual human being Doug No-Last-Name. Static could feel Doug's face turning red as the phone-sex fiasco was explained. Hopefully, the quick-to-blush Doug didn't read the Fort Worth Star-Telegram's March 8 "Star Time" entertainment guide. A full-page ad for Six Flags Over Texas refers readers to www.sixfags.com.
Just Say No
It's not phone sex, but just as unsatisfying -- call it long-distance financial screwing. Static has been propositioned repeatedly this month by the friendly folks from Nigeria who ask total strangers to engage in multi-million-dollar deals. One of several invitations of this sort recently asked for help in transferring $21.5 million from a Nigerian oil company "into a safe account" in return for a 20 percent fee. Let's see, 20 percent of $21.5 million is, uh, hmm, carry the 1 and ...well, surely it'll buy a case of Fat Tire. "This transaction is 100 percent risk-free," the letter assured. Whew. Similar letters asked for Static's bank account numbers. Hate to pass those out unless a deal's risk-free. Static trusts that none of its readers would consider such offers. The FBI, after all, doesn't care much about phone sex, but is always interested to hear about this kind of wooing. The most entertaining part of this week's come-on was about code words: "You should ask me for the code word. ...If I do not say 'good luck,' that means you are not speaking with me. Just disconnect." Happily. Static would rather listen to Kenny Rogers panting. |
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