Take me out to the ballgame, Static said. Peanuts, hot dogs, cold beer, home runs (even one by the home team Cats), silly stunts, binoculars for unobtrusive observance of attractive persons of the opposite sex -- what could be more American? As the innings (and beers) rolled on, the lighthearted loopiness at LaGrave Field inspired thoughts about how several of the ballpark stunts could be beneficially transplanted to various government halls.

Take, for instance, what happens when foul balls go zooming over the stands toward the parking lot. The announcers play one of several goofy recordings -- glass breaking, car alarms going off, ball-battered cows mooing in distress. Think of the application if an announcer were set up with a similar arrangement at Fort Worth City Council meetings. Whenever city leaders or speakers made foul suggestions or off-base remarks, the announcer would cue the glass-breaking recording. One that hits the taxpayers a low blow? Mmmmoooo. Raids the public purse? Car alarm! Car alarm!

Then there was the little kid who came to what was obviously his first game, with his grandpa, and sat right behind Static. At each step along the way, he would ask Grandpa to explain what was happening and why. Why did that man try to run over the other one at home plate? Why was that man with the bat watching that other man making all those funny signs with his hands? Why was that man scuffing dirt on the umpire man's shoe?

Static elects this kid to attend all city and county meetings to watch what goes on and ask, loudly, "But why?" Then, when the typical arcane explanation is given, he claps his hand on his head and announces, as this boy did, "That makes no sense at all."

Dan McGraw, frequent freelancer for this paper, took issue with Static's comments last week about Bud Kennedy's Fort Worth Star-Telegram column on the school board election, in which he mentioned that a campaign worker for Juan Rangel hugged Fort Worth Weekly staffer Betty Brink. The much-miffed McGraw pointed out that, for the Weekly's story on that election, it was he, not Brink, who interviewed Rangel. But did he get a hug? No. McGraw also denied buying "cups of coffee" for any candidate or giving voters rides on his bike to or from the polls.