Big Tex Burns (30 Years Too Late)

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Posted October 19, 2012 by Jeff Prince in Blotch
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A native North Texan such as myself could be considered profane for saying good riddance to an iconic mascot such as Big Tex. It’s blasphemous.

But when news spread about Big Tex going up in blazes this morning, my first thought was “it’s about time.” (Note to fire investigators: I have an iron-clad alibi for my whereabouts at the time of the blaze.)

As a kid I used to look up at Big Tex and think, “Damn, that’s ugly.”

He was a big dork. His clothes were ill-fitting. His arms extended haphazardly at off-kilter angles. His body lacked proportion. Chest too big, neck too small. His face was strange and demented, like a poorly carved ventriloquist dummy.

Big Tex talked as if he were suffering from a concussion and maybe even nursing a morphine habit.

At least he said “Howdy.” As a friend said at lunch, “He’s probably the only guy left in Dallas that says howdy. People in Fort Worth still say howdy, but not in Dallas.”

Don’t get me wrong, I liked having a 50-foot cowboy standing at the front gates of the state fair and welcoming visitors. But Big Tex looked idiotic.

He’d become so nostalgic and iconic after 60 years that we weren’t ever going to get rid of him — unless the unthinkable happened.

And now it has.

Hopefully, fair organizers install a Son of Big Tex for 2013. Let’s hope the builders have taken a class or two in sculpture and maybe even glanced at a proportion chart so we don’t have another giant, cheesy looking ventriloquist dummy to put up with for another 60 years.

It might even be politically correct to make the new Big Tex appear Hispanic to represent the fastest growing demographic in our society.

Call him El Tejas Grande.

P.S. –People are already spearheading efforts to raise money for the restoration of Big Tex. Mattress Firm announced it will donate thousands of dollars toward a “restoration.” Don’t restore the old one. Build a new one from scratch. Please.

Viva la El Tejas Grande!

THIS COUPLE IS BUSY TRYING TO PROCREATE THE NEXT BIG TEX, TO BE CALLED EL TEJAS GRANDE.

 

 


11 Comments


  1.  
    Phil Esteen

    Oh my gosh, the redneck Stonehenge has burned to the ground!

    Where will Texans go to worship their gods, fried cowshit and the NRA, now?




  2.  
    O'Malley

    I say let’s move the party over to Phil’s house and BBQ asshole




  3.  
    Dougie G

    I’m really glad you’re not on any Historical Preservation committee for the metroplex or we would lose even more historically important structures. “Lets bulldoze every thing over 30!” How boring would we be with a bunch of shinny new things with no history…that’s Idiocracy at it’s finest.




  4.  

    I’m with Jeff on this, a newer version of Big Tex to reflect Texas’ demographic. And no offense, but Wranglers or even Levis would be more appropriate. As for the bulldoze everything comment, that’s the Dallas Way.




  5.  
    ICD

    He was, and I say this candidly, a Texan with nothing in his Dickies. No twig and berries, no cujones, no howdy package. Bye Big Tex, Mr. Nothing Beneath the Surface.




  6.  
    Roger Simpson

    My thinking is, now that we’ve had a 60 year run with Big Tex, what about a cowgirl modeled after an Elgren pin up type cowgirl with a short fringe skirt and red cowboy boots wearing a cowboy hat. The guys could try and look up her skirt.




  7.  
    viva

    represent the changing demorgraphic and make a nod to women rights. how about Latina Big Tex? she could look like jessica alba in buckskins and six shooters.




  8.  
    Amish Fun Size

    In a 2004 episode, Hank Hill tells son Bobby, “Look son, there’s Big Tex. He’s like the Grand Canyon and the Statue of Liberty rolled into one.”
    Bobby Hill: “He seems tough, but kind.”
    Hank Hill: “Yep. He always tells us what to do, and see, and eat. I’ve gotten better advice from him than from my own father.”

    Could a Jessica Alba in buckskins and six shooters do that?




  9.  
    derek

    Dude, get out of my head!!!

    You have expressed my feeling for Big Tex exactly. Nice.




  10.  

    Big will be made in China and shipped over here with incoherent instructions.





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