Anybody who has ever considered buying one of those fancy Tempur-Pedic mattresses might appreciate my recent experience. Until Sunday, I’d never bought a mattress in my life. I’ve slept on hand-me-down mattresses since moving from my parents’ home many years ago. For the past four years, I’ve been sleeping on the most uncomfortable mattress ever made — thin, old, squeaky, and void of anything resembling softness, kind of like sleeping on Joan Rivers but without the bad jokes.
That mattress was going to be the death of me. My fat ass was the only cushion separating my bones from the mattress’s coiled-steel springs, and I awoke each morning feeling as if the ghost of John Bonham had played the “Whole Lotta Love” drum solo on my hips all night – with metal drumsticks wrapped in barbwire.
For years I’ve been seeing those Tempur-Pedic Mattress commercials that make jaw-dropping claims: You can set a glass of wine on the bed and let kids jump up and down on the mattress but the glass doesn’t move; you can lie on your side, back, front, whatever, and the mattress will conform to your body and cradle you like a big, foamy angel, relieving the painful pressure points that cause tossing and turning.
It all sounded too good to be true, kind of like those Ronco commercials for a $10 pair of scissors that can cut through a manhole cover. But I talked to Greg Reed of Woodbine Custom Furniture & Accessories the other day, and he explained how he and his wife have been sleeping on Tempur-Pedic mattresses for years and swear by them. So I rolled the dice and bought me a $2,000, Queen-sized foamy piece of paradise, and after three nights of sleeping on it, I’m pretty well convinced it’s the best money I’ve ever spent. I’ve been sleeping like a baby. Actually, babies stay up half the night crying and wailing at the top of their lungs, so I guess I should say I used to sleep like a baby. Now I sleep really good.