Vladimir Putin Hates America, Loves Texas
At least one person can’t get enough of seceding from America. Politico published a bizarre report this week detailing Vladimir Putin’s efforts to cozy up to Texan secessionists. It’s a fascinating read, and it jibes with a history of American conservatives admiring Putin. Texas isn’t going anywhere, but it’s still fun to imagine what life would be like if the state joined a new Soviet Union. Putin’s buddy George W. Bush restored to power! Two-hour lines for barbecue! Me and everyone else at the Weekly thrown into a gulag somewhere in the panhandle! Then again, the state would probably have better health care.

Down With the Rebs
Since everyone is tired of bashing their heads against the wall that is right-wing resistance to gun control, they’re going after the Confederate flag and other monuments to the traitors who tried to destroy America. This week, someone at UT spray-painted the words “Black Lives Matter” on the campus’ statues of Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Gen. Albert Johnston. We at this publication do not condone vandalism, but as vandalism goes, this is pretty good. The university is now debating whether to take down the monuments.

R.I.P., James Horner

Hollywood is mourning the death of James Horner in a plane crash this week. The composer is best known for his Oscar-winning score for Titanic (including the chart-topping “My Heart Will Go On”), but that syrupy music is hardly his best work. You’ll find better music of his in Glory and Aliens.

Lisa Simpson Bitten by Zombie!
Scottish soccer was roiled when venerable club Partick Thistle unveiled their new mascot and fans ran away screaming in terror. “Kingsley” was designed by acclaimed artist David Shrigley, whose sensibility apparently runs to the dark and disturbing, so the team really shouldn’t be surprised that he wanted to capture the angst of being a soccer fan. Instead of home dates, the team should send this mascot to road games and frighten the opposition. Imagine taking your kid to a game and having this try to hug your little one:


And Finally…
This French couple went for a ride in a hang glider and somehow failed to notice that there was a cat on the wing of the aircraft. The video of this went viral this week. That cat is calmer than I would be.