Leaving Islam

Friends she found on Twitter helped free a young woman from her family’s tyranny.
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Posted May 21, 2014 by KENNETH KOST in News
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Keys to freedom can take many forms. Samya’s was an iPod, a Twitter account, and a group of North Texas atheists.

Samya is not her real name. The young Tarrant County resident asked that a pseudonym be used in this story because she fears that the family members she left behind might track her down and try to persuade her to come home — or even kill her for dishonoring them by rejecting an arranged marriage.

Her escape began more than two years ago, several states away from Texas. Here she found intellectual and physical freedom, friends, college, and the chance to build her own life. What she left behind, the 21-year-old says, was a life of abuse and imprisonment and a future she couldn’t face.

Her family is from the Middle East and steeped in an insular, extremely authoritarian version of Islam. They moved to the United States when Samya was just an infant.

“My mother has been mentally ill most of her life, and my father was very violent and angry,” she said. “I grew up with a dad I was afraid to talk to. Anything would set him off. He would come into my room, throw me against the wall and beat me, and I wouldn’t know why.” Her parents never showed her affection, she said — no hugs, no kisses.

The older Samya got, the more her father tightened his grip on her life. She was allowed to attend public schools through eighth grade. From age 15 on, she said, she was allegedly home-schooled. But there wasn’t much schooling going on.

“They kept me locked inside the house most days, and I wasn’t really even home-schooled,” she said. “I was being taught how to take care of a family — cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes and laundry. I was learning how to be a submissive housewife.”

Her father continued to beat her, as he had her older brother, until she was about 16 but never abused her younger siblings, she said. “I’m not sure why it stopped. Maybe he got older and calmed down.”

After she was pulled from public school, Samya was told she couldn’t have non-Muslim friends. She did go to an actual school once a week to pick up lessons and about once a month to do lab work for math and science classes. She wasn’t allowed to participate in extracurricular activities.

“The only kids I saw on a regular basis were the girls from my mosque,” she said.

She still thinks sometimes about those girls, many of whom were allowed more freedom than she, but most of whom intended to follow the path laid out for them.

“Some of them were allowed to drive, go to public schools and college, and had parents that were far more liberal than mine,” but those young women still accepted the idea of arranged marriages, she said.

A few of her friends also were physically abused by parents and siblings, she said. And other girls dropped out of school because they felt no need for it since they were just going to get married and be housewives.

“It’s really horrible — some of them had rough parents or were beat up by siblings,” she said. “The parents wouldn’t do anything about it, because it’s the boy, and it’s justified.

“I think the number-one thing that pushed me away from religion and forced me to get out there and question and want to leave was the abuse,” Samya said. “But, if you don’t have a problem [such as abuse], then you don’t really question or feel a need to escape. So most of these girls just feel it’s part of life or just the way things are.”

By the beginning of her senior year in high school, however, after more than three years as a virtual prisoner, Samya had discovered that that wasn’t the way things had to be. A wider world had begun to reveal itself, and it started — inadvertently — with a gift from her father.

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The gift was in iPodTouch. Her father gave her the device to listen to music on, unaware of its Wi-Fi capabilities. She was familiar with the internet from school but only in a restricted sense.

“I was exposed to the web in grade school, but there were only a few sites we could visit,” she said. Using the internet at home, “it was under intense supervision because the only computer was in the living room where my dad could easily monitor me,” she said.

But with the iPod Touch, the world opened up in the privacy of her room.

“I didn’t realize the power I had in my hands until one I day I had a question I really wanted an answer to, so I Googled it,” she said. “It hit me in that moment that I could seek the answers I was looking for regarding my religion, science, and a way out to live a real life.”

Later a friend suggested she sign up for a Twitter account. She used hashtags to find people wanting to exchange views on topics she was interested in.

“I connected to the world through Twitter,” she said. “I talked to Muslims with varying degrees of faith, extremely religious to extremely liberal, about the values my family held and about Islam.”

The responses she received on Twitter from the Muslim community varied. Many felt just as her family did, that it was her duty to honor her family and accept the values they were instilling in her, she said. Others offered comforting words and wished her well. But nothing, she said, got her any closer to a solution.

At this point, she already had begun having doubts about her religion, which she suppressed.

“I understood and believed the theory of evolution,” she said. “I began to realize the Adam and Eve story is contradicted by this and began searching for answers. I begged God for answers. I was extremely depressed.”

Samya broadened her contacts on Twitter and also began talking to several people from the atheist community. It was the first time she’d ever spoken to anyone who didn’t believe in a god of some kind.

One atheist in particular, a man named Craig, got under her skin.

“Craig was an asshole at first,” she said. “But he talked about the scientific method and told me the first thing I needed to do was to quit trying to find things to prove my religion was right and start looking for things to disprove it.”

Those kinds of thoughts still swirled in her head in June 2010, as high school graduation approached. Connecting with people on Twitter had opened her eyes but hadn’t really solved her problems, which were about to multiply.

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6 Comments


  1.  
    Roy

    Religion poisons everything.




  2.  
    Sally

    What a lovely religion, where you have to be afraid that your family will murder you if you leave it.




  3.  
    Reader

    It is completely delusional to say that arranged marriage isn’t “forced” because both parties have to agree to it. I wonder, how many young women are pressured by their families to say yes? How many are offered lavish and expensive weddings to “agree” to the “match”?

    Furthermore, it is also nuts to suggest that just because someone shares your religion, they are a good match for you. It takes more than religion to find a real, human connection with someone else. And it’s up to the individual to find the best person for them, not their parents or family members.




  4.  
    James Woodruff

    Ron Reagan thanks for your comments on TV. You a good guy I am impressed by your courage.




  5.  
    Marco C.

    “Both man and woman have to agree for the marriage to be valid. There has to be a vocal acknowledgement with at least two witnesses who hear the verbal agreement.”

    Of course after you say “no” if you are beat to a pulp you tend to make that a “yes” at the closest possible chance.
    It may be true that Islam doesn’t have true forced marriages, but Islamic culture does. Frankly, I don’t give a crap either way.




  6.  
    Jane

    This is a fantastic article. It has the power to free people from the oppression which happens when people with questionable mental health issues use religion as a ‘club’ to beat their fellow worshippers into submission.
    We see these effects within the context of every religion because we see the issues of unhealthy mental states in all peoples from all backgrounds.
    I would love to see many follow-up stories based on this theme. I think it would be gloriously freeing for countless thousands of humans who struggle with the issues of God and belief and LOVE because of the confusing, oppressive behaviors and words of those close to them who are afflicted by many, deep unresolved emotional issues and fears.
    I am a Christian, I have been a Hospice Chaplain, I can honestly say that I do not judge a belief system when I enter someone’s home. I strive to respect and to honor all people, having Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist friends who’ve taught me that the many ways we are similar vastly outweighs the number of ways we are different. If ‘God is LOVE’ and we are all created by a loving Creator…. then I think it is time we focus on what our actions and words mean to ourselves and to others, rather than on what we say we beleive. Thank you Kenney Kost for opening the eyes and hearts of people who are unafraid to look deeply into their own hearts first, clearing out the; beams, logs,obstacles, which may keep us from hearing the cry of another human heart. You have blessed me deeply in the way you’ve chosen to honor Samya’s freedom to choose n honorable life for herself.. Thank you! more, more, more…..





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