Pop sprite and Grand Prairie native Selena Gomez told a Dallas-based radio show that junk food is responsible for her recent hospitalization. Um, right. I thought Disney Channel starlets thrived on a diet of Jolly Ranchers and energy drinks. Why is her tummy suddenly so delicate?
I have an alternate explanation, and it’s not pretty: A True Belieber, outraged at Selena’s brazen and 100% authentic romance with Justin, finally stopped leaving death threats on fan sites and decided to act. She infiltrated the Gomez inner circle and has been spiking the singer’s Sugar Free Killer Buzz with glitter nail polish. Selena is keeping mum about all of it because a purge of infidels is imminent at the Gomez compound. Her bodyguards have been advised that Gomez will personally handle the culprit’s fate.
I could also speculate that Justin Bieber is actually a 23 year old lesbian bilking millions of tween girls around the world, but that’s just paranoid crazy talk.