Lots of ink has been spilled over an Arlington dude named Micah H., who filed a petition for Texas to secede from the union in the wake of Obama’s decisive victory. About eighty thousand freedom-loving patriots have signed on. Before you roll your eyes (again) at what a bunch of hicks we are, you should know that something like 36 other states, including California (?!), have also posted secession petitions. The Lone Star State has more signers by far, though, so go ahead and roll those peepers: Our hick population, while not exclusive, is apparently more enthusiastic.
I say we give this secession thing a whirl and create a sovereign nation for Obama-hating whiny babies. Although Rick Perry claims he doesn’t support secession, he’s just being coy. His bold intellectual vision makes him a natural president. National Sunday services will be conducted by Robert Jeffress, the super-macho Dallas Baptist preacher who recently declared that Obama’s victory paves the way for the Antichrist. There’ll be no federal government, of course, so town hall meetings will be held at whatever breastaurant chain wins franchise rights. Preschools will be stocked with Li’l Golden Book versions of Atlas Shrugged. Sad face for the ladies, though: No birth control allowed!
I can already feel the collective IQ level of the U.S. mainland rising. If ya’ll need help moving, give me a shout.