No matter how horribly your day goes –– even if your boss cans you, your significant other dumps you, and your ferret dies –– you can say: “At least I’m not the woman caught on surveillance camera stealing Christmas lawn decorations in Aledo.”
Or maybe you are that woman, in which case your mug was featured prominently last night on all three local 10pm news broadcasts as you yanked a wreath off a front door and snatched a string of lights in Parker County. Is it possible to get publicly i.d.’ed for a skankier, more white trash crime? Gross!
Far more serious felonies would at least have earned her some grudging respect from news viewers. Transporting a twenty pound bag of cocaine in her car trunk would’ve had a certain “Zetas cartel” glamor. Running a call girl ring might’ve gotten her a cool news nickname like “The Aledo Madam.” But stealing Christmas wreaths? That’s some Burleson-meth-lab, selling-your-newborn-to-an-undercover-cop-in-a-Walmart-parking-lot level stuff. (Okay, not as bad as selling a newborn, since no babies were harmed in the stealing of these decorations. But it’s gotta be some kind of gateway crime to that territory).
It’ll be interesting to see what this woman has to say when horrified neighbors hand her over to the authorities. That footage will be featured at 10pm, too, of course. Honey, Maury Povich is calling. He wants to dedicate the whole hour to your Christmas decoration theft. Yuck.