If you blinked on Sunday, you may have missed the local news story about an Arlington birthday celebration for a 110-year-old woman identified as Mrs. Sai Vu. I’d like to offer public congratulations to her and her family for a life that has spanned the most intense, chaotic, and technologically revolutionary (for good and bad) century of human history.
Privately, though, I’d like to buy Mrs. Sai Vu a few birthday shots at her favorite bar and ask some questions that only “a woman of a certain age” could answer. These include:
1. On a scale of one to 10, how annoying do you find the question “What’s the secret to a long life?” when it’s bloody obvious that the answer is “good genes and good luck?”
2. Do other people continue to seem dumber and dumber the older you get? If so, has the human race become indistinguishable from plant life by now?
3. A related question: Do the same stupid fads and trends — say, juice diets and superhero action movie reboots — continue to repeat themselves every few years?
4. Do 65-year-olds look like impulsive teenagers to a 110-year-old?
5. Once someone passes the century mark, what criteria do you use to judge if he or she is hot? Would a 110-year-old Ryan Gosling still be yummy to other 110-year-olds?
6. Do you think relatively high national unemployment really is “the new normal?”
7. Do you even give a shit about question #6?
One perennial smartass question –– “Who would want to live to be 110?” –– I can already answer: “A 109-year-old.”