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Dallas Cowboys Victorious
They haven’t played their first game and the Dallas Cowboys are already big winners this season. The team’s elegant and inspiring blue star is the best damned logo in all of professional football. Hey, you freaky eye-patch wearing Raider, you’re runner-up (first loser as they say). And you, weird little Steelers symbols, you’re runner-up to the runner-up (meaning you lost to the loser, just like you lost to that loser Tom Brady last night). As for the other NFL logos, ehh, they aren’t worth mentioning. By the way, did you know that the guy who designed the Cowboys star logo was a former equipment manager and one of Tom Landry’s first hires? Jack Eskridge died two years ago at 89. He was a badass Marine who saw the famous flag raisings at Iwo Jima in World War II and played professional basketball before joining America’s Team and designing the best damned logo in all of professional football. Aren’t you glad we don’t live in Cleveland?

UGH.

Alice Walton Selling Ranch
Billionaire heiress Alice Walton, who’s so down to earth that she drives herself even after drinking, has listed her Parker County ranch for $20 million. Actually it’s only $19.75 million, so right off the bat you’re saving $250,000! If you’re not convinced, look at the pretty pictures and then head to the nearest bank.

Private Security Guards Patrol Downtown
As many as a dozen private security guards wearing uniforms and carrying tasers and sometimes handguns are helping keep the streets of Sundance Square safe for the masses. Well, not all the masses. Another possible name for Sundance security guards is “herders” since one function is to herd the homeless beggars back toward East Lancaster Avenue.

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No More ‘Happy Sounds’ For Syrian Family In Fort Worth
A family of Syrian war refugees who made its way to Fort Worth a couple of years ago is breathing much easier these days. How bad was it in Syria? Mohamad Zetoun and his wife, Larahf, told their children that cannon fire was a happy sound so they wouldn’t be afraid all the time. Smart. Sad, but smart.

D/FW International Airport Breaks World Record Or Something
I feel safer about flying now that D/FW International Airport has set the world record for, er, uh, most signatures on a piece of sports memorabilia. The airport kicked off the 2015 football season by hosting a big tailgate party and earning a spot  in the Guinness World Records after 702 people signed an enormous inflated football. Isn’t sports memorabilia supposed to be signed by a famous athlete who is connected to the piece of memorabilia in question? If a bunch of nobodies signing an inflated piece of plastic is worth a world record, then I want a record for most L&M lights smoked while drinking Bud and listening to old Van Morrison albums.

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