Dreamtime

This summer, the world’s biggest sporting event comes to Canada and Mexico. Oh, and the United States. If you don’t already know, we’re talking about the FIFA World Cup. Before you jump on the soccer bandwagon, here’s the dream scenario of how the USA will win the World Cup.

The reality of international soccer is that the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) is not a dominant force. The team’s best finish in the modern era was the quarterfinals in 2006. Currently, we are ranked No. 14 in the FIFA/Coca-Cola Men’s World Ranking, which is pretty accurate and also completely inaccurate as a gauge of the ranking of the strength of each men’s international team.

Probably a better way to look at the strengths of teams: There are only five teams with a realistic chance to win the World Cup. There are another 10 below that that are incredibly talented and have the skill, pedigree, and passion to win. However, they would probably need a big win or some other piece of luck to lift the cup. Below that, there are around another 30 teams that are all very good. These Nos. 15-45 are relatively evenly matched with one another. They will have one or two genuine superstars, a handful of solid to good professionals, then a depth squad of journeymen-level professional players. The USMNT falls into this category.

USA

Our team has a few standouts, with the obvious Christian Pulisic being the closest to a superstar the team has. If his current season in the Italian Serie A playing a key role for giants AC Milan continues, he could vault to very elite status. Next, there’s Antonee Robinson (Fulham FC), Tyler Adams (Bournemouth FC), Folarin Balogun (Monaco), Weston McKennie (Juventus), and Malik Tillman (Bayer Leverkusen). These guys are all extremely good but are not going to be challenging for a Balon d’Or anytime soon. Several other dudes can contribute in big ways and at times could be considered some of the best behind Pulisic. These ballers include Timothy Weah (Marseille), Giovanni Reyna (Borussia Monchengladbach), Sergino Dest (PSV Eindhoven), and Chris Richards (Crystal Palace FC). These players are all-star level but not the top tier in international football.

Mauricio Pochettino became the head coach of the USMNT in 2024, bringing a higher level of international pedigree than the program had previously seen. His work has seen a shakeup of culture and an increased level of overall intensity. These are crucial to continuing to take the next step toward becoming a soccer powerhouse in the world’s game.

Perhaps one of the most underrated accomplishments of Pochettino is bringing in so many new players to the program and producing a large group of support players who are capable, hungry, and willing to fight for whatever minutes they can get on the pitch.

The USMNT is paired with Paraguay, Australia, and the winner of the UEFA playoff among Turkyie, Romania, or Kosovo. Turkyie is the likely survivor of this playoff round to join the others in Group D. In friendly games in the fall of 2025, the USA played both Paraguay and Australia and got wins in both, a good sign for this summer’s games. We also faced Turkyie early in 2025 and got severely handled by a talented Turkish side featuring some of Europe’s most promising talents. Paraguay is a very tough team, and any team that qualifies out of the brutal South American CONMEBOL qualifying is to be taken very seriously. Australia has a fight and persistence with sprinkles of quality that make them a dangerous team on their day.

If footballing logic, history, and skill reign supreme this summer, then the USMNT should make it out of our group, then get knocked out in the round of 32 or 16 if we’re lucky. No matter the brilliance of our tournament, the likelihood that we face a monster in the first knockout rounds is very high. There are too many whales to avoid a clean run. That’s the reality of world football. There’s a string of ridiculous opponents the USMNT would have to upset to lift the greatest sporting hardware in the world. (Sorry, Stanley Cup.)

Since reality isn’t as fun as a magical World Cup run, with Americans fully embracing the world’s game, united in celebrations, embracing cultures of all kinds with sport in common, and propelling the USMNT into legendary status, here is some of the magic, voodoo, mishaps, luck, and weird things that would need to happen for the USA to win. Since we cannot win it on football alone, we’ll need some help. Hopefully, every player for every team shows up completely healthy and in good form, but there are always players who miss the tournament from injuries picked up throughout the season.

France

Frenchman Kylian Mbappe is perhaps the best player in the tournament. Already a world star, he has World Cup pedigree and 10-year-olds all over the world watching stupid goal-song celebration remixes on YouTube. He must be stopped as the USA would likely face France in a potential round of 16 or quarterfinal matchup. Unfortunately, as he records a TikTok dance in June 2026, he slips and stubs his toe, like, really bad. He’s in so much pain, he doesn’t play. Crying emoji posts and a new dance meme will flood the internet. France is most definitely more than just one player, but his teammates will be so mad at Mbappe for the silliness of his injury, the famously touchy French team will once again implode on the World Cup stage. Les Misérables.

Portugal

Ronaldo, the CR7 one. While he is a slower, older version of the Portuguese phenomenon, he still can pose quite a threat. And if the veteran superstar can motivate his incredibly talented team, they could win the whole thing. However, this is America, and Ronaldo is a superstar. The moment he comes here next summer, all the attention will be on Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo. He’ll love it, photos with every super-rich asshole celebrity under the sun, driving a wedge of jealousy and distraction into the tightly knit Portuguese team to the point of a significant drop in their quality. The Ronaldos will air at 8pm every Thursday on FOX in summer 2026.

Spain

Spain will win the World Cup this summer. They are crazy good and don’t have any weaknesses. Also, there’s a kid named Lamine Yamal who will surely make some significant waves for La Roja. While probably not as exciting as France, Argentina, or England, Spain is marginally better than any of them as a team. The Spanish side likely meets perhaps one of the biggest dark horses in the tournament in the round of 32, but Colombia, who are experiencing a renaissance with their football this period, will again fall short at a North American World Cup at the hands of Spain. Colombia’s tragic history after the 1994 World Cup remains one of the most severe sports tragedies in the game. Google it. R.I.P., Andrés Escobar.

If the USMNT wins their group and progresses on a historic run, they will face Spain at some point, but football is magic and sometimes doesn’t go as we think. When the USMNT faces Spain next summer, the USA will have a mostly full-strength side. Having found their rhythm and team bond through the group stages with no injuries, they enter the game with significant confidence in their collective abilities. The USMNT has already ended a historic Spain team’s unbeaten run before. Check out Charlie Davies’ goal at the Confederations Cup on June 24, 2009, for the blueprint. This time, Chris Richards will use this game to announce himself among the world’s elite center backs by shutting down everything on defense and also scoring a straight dunk of a goal on a corner kick. 1-0 USA advances, and murals of Chris’ golden smile and giant Afro appear in cities across the country.

Argentina

Messi, Messi, Messsssiiiiiiiii. Yes, he’s the GOAT. While at the twilight of his career, he is still capable of Messi magic like none other on the planet. This summer, we will likely see even a new variation of him, in which he does something during a key moment of the game which no one thought was possible until his god-tier left foot willed it to do so. Unfortunately, the World Cup title defenders are most likely set to face Norway in the knockout rounds.

Not since 1998 has a Norwegian squad actually played well enough to even make the tournament’s finals. This time will be different, with a handful of superstars, a core squad of very talented players, and also Erling Haaland. Haaland is a different sort of beast that seems to eat goats for breakfast. Messi will create a magical assist and also score an incredible free kick in this game, but Martin Odegaard will also create some Nordic wizardry, generating two assists, dribbling and passing his way to Haaland for two goals. With the game finishing regulation time at 2-2, a classic is in the making. Extra time comes, and immediately, Norway puts on the pressure. In the areas where they may lack technical skill compared to the Argentinians, they make up for it in size, pace, and power. In the first period of extra time, the amazingly named Oscar Bobb is put through from an Odegaard ball and finds himself one-on-one with the keeper. He bungles the first attempt but recovers and bounces home a rough goal to make it 3-2. Very pale Norwegian fans apply more sunscreen and celebrate in the crowd.

Upon returning to the pitch for the second period of extra time, players appear exhausted. Some are showing the physical and mental fatigue of this battle royale. One player has a far more relaxed appearance: Messi, of course, who knows all things soccer and has done all things soccer. Through a few passes and sharp looks, he will conjure the magic of all things football and coordinate one of the most brilliant passing plays, resulting in his signature dribble and assist to the back post. Martinez tap-in. 3-3. Upon realizing the potential of penalty kicks against the superior Messi, Thor sends a giant thunderbolt down to his human version, Haaland. As the final moments of extra time wind down, a hopeful long ball is lobbed into the box. Three of the Albiceleste’s defenders are perfectly positioned to deal with this lazy floater. The ball drops. Players converge. Then, in a red flash, like a giant blond wrecking ball, Haaland flies in with his head meeting the ball a foot above the rest. Haaland Smashed Face. 4-3. Go, Vikings!

England, Germany, and Colombia

England, Germany, and Colombia are all very scary propositions if a matchup against the USMNT were to happen this summer. Colombia has the potential to face the USA in a knockout round with the way the groups are formed, but I see Spain knocking them out before they get to us, and I already told you about how that will go.

Germany isn’t quite the uber-team of the past, and this summer they’ll get found out by a team everyone expects them to get by. Perhaps Morocco, Senegal, or Ghana gets the best of them? But this crazy summer of 2026, we’ll see Scotland win a lucky game on the back of a red card to Germany, and drunken, celebrating Scottish fans’ accents will confuse and delight local news stations everywhere.

England, the inventors of my beloved game, are amazing this cycle and have so many superstars in their team. Kane, Bellingham, Saka, and Rashford, to name a few. However, England never wins. Never. The one in ’66? Probably didn’t cross the line, but only barely ever winning the grand prize once in the game you invented isn’t a curse, is it? Anyhoo, an African team beats England 3-2. It’s not coming home this year.

Brazil

What about Brazil? Oh, you’ve heard of Neymar? Cool, he’s an over-30 Brazilian superstar who likes to party — check the records on how that goes for those dudes historically. They shine bright and short, my friends. Vinny Jr. and co. will hopefully put on at least one truly Brazilian joga bonito display this summer, but it won’t be enough. They struggled this qualifying cycle behind the likes of Argentina, Ecuador, and Colombia, and even their new coach, the renowned Carlo Ancelotti, won’t be able to conjure enough samba magic to see them through the tournament. Morocco will smash Brazil in the most dominant win by an African side in the knockout rounds of the World Cup ever.

As pulling on the threads of endless possible timelines is something only the Norns and Marvel are capable of, potential matchups of other teams outside of the Big 5 are fuzzy in my crystal Adidas Trionda soccer ball. If the USMNT team faces any other team, we have a real potential to win based on footballing merit alone. With home crowds and a winning team, the full weight of American sports hype and passion will push the USMNT through any other potential match. In my simulations, I see mostly big, big games for the USA past the group stages.

Truly, on any given day, with the right set of circumstances, any of the 48 teams at the 2026 FIFA World Cup can beat any other team. Croatia, the Netherlands, Japan, Belgium, Uruguay, and Senegal are all extremely talented and dangerous opponents. Oh, did I mention the USMNT defeated Uruguay in a friendly in 2025 by a score of 5-1? They did, and it was glorious, so anything can happen. If the USA gets matched up against any other second-level powerhouses in a knockout game, they have the ability to get past it.

The final: Meadowlands, New Jersey, Sunday, July 19, 2026

The United States will use a small round ball that people enjoy kicking into a net as a universal tool that unites people from all over the world, no matter their religion, race, nationality, gender, or identity. Americans spend the summer learning from and about 47 other amazing nations, their cultures, and their peoples. The beautiful game cements its place in America’s sporting heart. Sorry, baseball. You’re outta here!

The broadcast pregame show showcases the most star-studded elite guests ever seen at a soccer game. We’ll see all the stars in their finest drip, schmoozing in suites that cost enough to buy the average American home. I’m sure some politician will try to use the platform for their own purposes. Gianni Infantino will smile and surely say something awful as he tends to do, all the while remaining a critical cog in the opulence, corruption, and greed that is FIFA today. There’s also going to be more commercials than in any previous tournament: water breaks, a.k.a. commercial breaks, between halves; scrolling banners; scoreboard sponsors; player-of-the-game sponsors; and so on. There will be a spectacular halftime show with someone really famous and definitely with a more international following — Shakira sure has sung lots of World Cup songs. But despite all the corruption, greed, and commercialism, millions will be watching across the entire world. At the same time, young people in America and across the globe will be inspired to play football, be creative, embrace other cultures, or even just dream of greatness.

The final game itself will begin with a slightly overconfident U.S. side moving the ball quickly and applying attacking pressure early. Within 15 minutes, the ball gets worked through by McKennie to Dest, who dribbles straight at the Norwegian defender. Stepover, shimmy, feint, and flick, leaving the defender on the floor to check for broken ankles. Now into next-level Destihno mode, he knows he already has a viral video skill move, and he brings home the finish. Another stepover to put off the closing center back, now a rabona cross to the waiting Malik Tillman. Easy header. Goal. Easiest game in the world, no problem. Hands on the trophy.

Cheers and groans echo through the stadium. A forlorn Norwegian defender hangs his head, thinking of his newfound infamy in Sergino’s upcoming TikTok reel. Amid the shouting and cheers, coaching instructions, and the goalkeeper’s shouting, a blond giant calmly picks the ball out of the net. With what seems like probably only 15 giant steps, he reaches the center spot and puts the ball down with purpose. At this moment, Haaland knows he has been sent from Asgaard to score goals. He turns to his trickster compatriot Odegaard and sends a thunderbolt eyeshot, which sparks through every Norwegian player on the pitch. He knows they have a team that has already killed several giants on their run to the final. Their path had just as many miracle games and a string of luck as the USA’s did. For the next 50 minutes or so, the Nordic players seem to have all grown by a foot. They can also run faster, and they proceed to manhandle the USMNT. Just before halftime, Haaland is finally able to bungle home the fifth or sixth chance he’s had already. USA Goalkeeper Matt Freese has been outstanding so far, but the Nordic avalanche finally prove too much. 1-1.

After halftime, the story is the same. American players start to look a bit shellshocked as they struggle to keep up with the pace and power of the relentless Norwegian attack. Ten minutes into the assault on the USA goal, the ball is crossed straight to the arriving Haaland. Goal. Two minutes are added to stoppage time for extended goal celebrations, with Haaland receiving a yellow card for removing his shirt during the celebrations to Viking flex. 1-2.

During the celebrations, USMNT Captain Tyler Adams activates his next-level mode. Pulisic was already there. He just needed everybody else to get there, too. Robinson reads the room. McKennie already knows what’s up. Light Speed Weah enters the field for an exhausted Dest. When Haaland and co. arrive back into positions, the USA is already standing in position and ready. In a period of the next few minutes, ball possession is 50-50 with no team clearly dominating. A ball slips loose in the midfield, creating a SportsCenter highlight tackle they’ll even show on American football shows. Tyler Adams, the midfield destroyer, goes in hard on a loose ball, completely reading how to win the ball cleanly while also smashing straight through the opponent with respect and disdain. Slipping the ball to McKennie, the counter is on. Weah was already gone toward the end line and received the ball in full stride, and with one touch to control, he spots his compatriot Balogun. Folarin receives and turns, his next touch explodes him into space past the last defender, and in a moment of class and calmness, he curls the ball into the top corner to tie the game. 2-2.

Both teams know at this point they’re in the middle of a battle. Norway continues to push the narrative their way with a slight edge in possession and chances created. The USA shuts down their attempts while springing several quick counters and builds up attacks of their own. Plays on either side are shut down with hard tackles, or missed passes and runs, with the exhaustion of nearly 90 minutes of full exertion wearing on their bodies. In the 85th minute, Pochettino knows the time for any magic we might have needs to come out. Last roll of the dice. Into the game come Giovanni Reyna and “El Tren” himself, Ricardo Pepi. Reyna is U.S. soccer royalty, with his father Claudio being one of the best ever to don the red, white, and blue kit. Giovanni has the highest potential of any player on the field but shows it only in brief, inconsistent glimpses. Pepi, the El Paso native, has grinded and consistently shown that his nose for goal-poaching moments is in the elite category.

Another few minutes of ebb and flow of ball possession, each team failing to connect all their passes to put the dagger in the heart of the game at the last minute. Cue: “Jedi” Antonee Robinson, one of the best overall players on the USMNT and arguably one of the current best left backs in the world. Robinson tracks back on the heels of a blistering Norwegian attack. Using his athleticism, he outruns and outmuscles the opponent to win the ball. With a quick touch to the ancient stalwart Tim Ream, Robinson immediately shoots off on his run down the wing. Ream already had measured the angle and waited for the attacker to close on him while giving the pacey left back room to build speed. Now at full steam, Robinson barrels down the wing, urging the full weight of the American team to go with him.

The entire stadium is now screaming in unison to cross the ball, and Robinson abides. Whipping in a fast-paced, perfectly placed cross, the ball looks to fall right to the head of the perfectly positioned Pepi. As he braces for the ball, at the last second, a giant Norwegian defender muscles in to deflect the ball to the top of the box. Here, Odegaard is positioned to receive and turn, then spring the counter. With the USMNT pressed this high, the counter could be deadly. At the last moment of receiving and beginning to turn, the ever-present Weston McKennie closes and forces the turnover. As the ball scrambles out of the mess, it rolls on the right side of the box to Prince Reyna. In the 94th minute of the World Cup final, Mr. Cool simply controls the ball easily, takes a quick scan, then, with the smoothness of a dancer, skips past the first crashing defender. Pauses a second, another defender runs past, not reading Gio’s trickery, and now comes a simple chip pass to the back post. “El Tren” Ricardo Pepi scores the simplest and most important goal of his life. 3-2. Holy shit, the USA wins the World Cup!