With the World Cup tournament looming in a couple of months and our nation still at war with one of the countries competing in it, let’s address the whole insanely complex question of whether Iran will be at the party. This situation is changing by the day and may be obsolete by the time you read this, but we’re going to try anyway, me and my imaginary question-asker. Hello, soccer newbie.
Sorry, I just spent $120 filling up my Ford F150. Why didn’t Trump make sure the Strait of Hormuz would stay open before he started dropping bombs?
That’s a good question. Another good question is why the president hasn’t been impeached for acting without Congress’ war powers approval, but we know the answer to that one: The Republicans have no respect for themselves.
Will Iran play at the World Cup this summer?
Depends who you ask. Immediately after the killing of Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s sports minister said they wouldn’t, while the alleged rapist in the White House told the Iranian players to stay home. The players, understandably, said they wanted to play, since they had earned the right. However and also understandably, they said they didn’t want to play their games in the United States, because of the whole thing where Trump threatened to wipe out their civilization.
Can their games be moved?
The United States is sharing this World Cup with two co-hosts, but actually moving the matches to Canada or Mexico would be a logistical nightmare, especially given that hotel reservations and travel arrangements have already been booked. That’s why FIFA president Gianni Infantino stated that the games would be staying where they are.
Last winter, Infantino gave Trump the first-ever FIFA Peace Prize …
AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I’m sorry, I just HA HA HA HA HA! What an idiot! If Roger Goodell ever gave out an NFL peace prize, we’d all be throwing garbage at him, and Infantino deserves the same treatment.
As I was about to say, is he regretting that now?
If he is, he isn’t saying. Infantino is very nearly as shameless as the senile bomber in the Oval Office, so he’s probably OK.
Is there precedent for a national team dropping out?
There is, actually. In 1992, Yugoslavia qualified for the European Championships but then broke apart amid a bloody religious civil war. They had beaten Denmark in a playoff qualifier, so Denmark took their place in the tournament. The substitution was so last-minute that many Danish players had already gone on summer vacation when they were called back to Sweden, where Euro 92 took place. That “Danish Dynamite” team famously wound up winning the whole thing and becoming one of the sport’s legendary squads.
If Iran does drop out, who will replace them?
Unclear. The United Arab Emirates lost to Iraq for the last Asian spot, so maybe it would be them. Then again, Iraq had to subsequently defeat Bolivia in an inter-confederation playoff to book their spot in the big dance, so the Bolivians might feel like they deserve Iran’s place. Then, too, Jamaica lost another inter-confederation playoff to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. There’s been some loose talk about the Iranians being replaced by one of the European countries that lost their playoff matches (especially the boot-shaped one that has won four previous World Cups), but the other continents would raise hell if that happened. That’s why it’s much easier to keep Iran in the tournament.
Where will Iran’s games take place?
Just as luck would have it (wink, wink) Team Melli’s games against Belgium and New Zealand will both be in Los Angeles, which has a heavy Iranian population. Their final game against Egypt will be in Seattle, which will be a Pride Match to celebrate the city’s LGBTQ+ community.
Uh, what?
Yeah, the city designated that game as the Pride Match before the World Cup draw, which placed two of the tournament’s least gay-friendly nations there. Both countries are complaining, but as of this writing, the Pride celebrations are still going ahead. Hey, it could be worse. Iran could be playing their matches in New Jersey, where train fare from New York will run customers $150 and both NJ Transit and FIFA are pointing fingers at each other for the insane costs while everybody else is just pissed. Public transportation charges here in North Texas will remain the same, so you can hold your head up high about that.
Who cares? I can’t afford tickets to the games anyway.
You’re not alone. We should all take a cue from CM Punk and bomb FIFA’s bosses with messages and phone calls until they cry uncle.
Interesting use of the word “bomb” there. Did you ever think it would come to this?
I did anticipate Trump horning in on the soccer extravaganza last December, but even I didn’t think he would go to these lengths to disrupt it. Nothing’s off the table now. Don’t be surprised if you look up at the skybox at AT&T Stadium and see Vladimir Putin there as a guest of honor. World Cups always get crazy, but this year’s tournament promises to reach new heights.
