If you’re driving around on Wednesday afternoon and happen to see naked women holding signs that say, “When Plaid Goes Bad,” then you’ll know you’re in Dallas.

Once again, those persistent and provocative volunteers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) are spreading their anti-fur message in our sister city to the east by slipping into panties and pasties, painting themselves with plaid designs, and splattering themselves in fake blood. (Sounds like a typical Saturday night for Static.) The source of the protesters’ ire is Burberry, that maker of fine clothing with stores in Big D, Austin, Houston, and San Antonio. (Us hicks in Cowtown don’t need a Burberry – we’ve got the Russell Feed & Supply store on Jacksboro Highway for all our clothing needs.)

PETA is an, um, enthusiastic organization. Some say they’re pie-eyed radicals who take their bunny love to the point of Nazism. The group just can’t understand why folks won’t switch to fake fur, so they often target celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez for coating their lovely bodies in animal skin, which is all very confusing to Static, who likes Lopez’ acting skills … but abhors fur farms … and yet wears leather shoes, belts, and jackets … but hates to see animals suffer … and yet goes hunting every year… . Damn, this issue is complicated.


To see what PETA’s pissed off about, check out the video at (unless for some strange reason you’re hesitant to see animals being tortured in cages, electrocuted with prods, and then skinned). Personally, Static prefers the gentler lobbying approach of the Spiral Diner, where photos of sweet-faced cows are strategically placed to watch as you smack your lips over cleverly named tofu creations in various shapes and flavors.

Celebs who have sworn off fur under pressure from PETA include Christina Ricci, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan, who of course are our social-consciousness leaders on so many issues. (Just imagine a LiLo public service announcement: “Don’t kill cute little animals – kill your own brain cells, which are, like, all mushy and gross!”) Still, you can expect more people to follow their lead, said PETA spokesman Matt Rice. “Animal rights is a hot issue among young people … it’s the wave of the next generation,” he said.

The way things are going, it’s not a sure bet that there will be enough furry, scaly, or feathered things left on the planet in another generation or two for anybody to even get sentimental over – if anybody were to look up from the computer and iPhone screens long enough to notice. Maybe if they could (painlessly) implant bunnies with tiny screens and antennae, PETA could get more people to care.