Oh joy, it arrived just in time for the holidays – Static’s very own copy of the Wal-Mart Family Cookbook, of course! (Maybe Santa brought you one as well.)
It’s crammed full of delicacies, all made with BRAND NAME HIGHLIGHTED products, of course. And so creative – Tiramisu made with JELL-O instant pudding and COOL WHIP topping. Who would have thought of making mashed potatoes for the whole family on that special day from ORE-IDA frozen mashers?
And some of the offerings have such subtle tongue-in-cheek humor. The Slumber Party Oatmeal Cookies, for instance – perfect for those nights when your employer has locked you in the store. And Cherry-Cream Cheese Trifle, a play on the trifling paychecks that Wal-Mart’s loyal, smiling employees bring home. There’s even the insouciant Brownie S’mores, so reminiscent of little Oliver Twist, like Wal-Mart workers’ children, holding out their empty bowls and asking for “More.” Or the Blue Cheese Spread, to honor those employees who have to spread their income out extra thin – on name-brand crackers, of course – in order to make up for the pitiful health coverage the giant discount retailer offers. Recipes were submitted by employees, and so it’s no surprise that five of the 14 brand names featured in the book are rice companies. Most Wal-Mart workers, like Third-World residents, can only afford rice to eat. So, here’s a Happy New Year to Sam Walton’s heirs – and a bowl of KRAFT Chicken-Hearted … um Chicken Fiesta Dip for your next family party.