The Dallas Cowboys are losers. L-O-S-E-R-S. The Washington Redskins will kick the living shit out of the Cowgirls come Sunday.

Predicted score: a 45-10 drubbing.

There, that ought to motivate the team. (This reverse psychology is fun).


Leading up to last Saturday night’s game against the undefeated New Orleans Saints, the Cowboys players were on a mission – a very whiney, woe-is-me mission.

I’ve never heard so many angry players defending themselves against a sports media that characterized them as December-challenged losers who were about to tank another season. (Hey, that’s what media members do after a dozen dismal Decembers in a row).

The Cowboys denied, denied, denied any problems or December curses all season long, and then lost their first two December games against the New York Giants and San Diego Chargers and fell out of first place.

Then, when critics predicted collapse, the team surprised everyone by growing a backbone and winning.

After the game, Romo was still pointing fingers. In two post-game interviews he said the team drew motivation from the naysayers, particularly criticism from former NFL coach Tony Dungy, who dared say the Cowboys had “no chance” of beating the Saints.

Sure, their win was made easier by the fact that Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey was out with an injury and star running back Reggie Bush left the game early with a strained hammy.

Bush’s injury was really sad because, up to that point, every time he busted off a good run I would imagine his girlfriend Kim Kardashian excitedly jumping up and down…under a waterfall…in slow motion.

This just in: It’s official — Miles Austin is a bonafide star…and Roy Williams is a genuine bust.

After catching one measly pass, Williams finally stepped up toward the end of the game and did something important – he dropped a crucial third down pass that killed a fourth-quarter drive.

I never thought I’d say this, but Williams is tarnishing even Danny White’s shaky legacy surrounding jersey No. 11.

While we’re talking about busts – say hello to Nick Folk. Here’s some Folklore — Nick is as good as gone by week’s end. At least he’d better be.

If Wade “the Real Bum” Phillips doesn’t dump this cursed kicker and bring in new blood, I’ll bet a hundred bucks that Folk will shank a future kick, cost us a game, and ruin this season. Mark my words!

One final complaint – why in the hell were we subjected to watching the game on Channel 21, with no high-def viewing, a fuzzy screen, and the worst announcing team in the history of sports announcing, led by inept commentator Matt Millen and lifeless on-field reporter Alex Flanagan?

Offensive Game Balls go to Romo, for finding a way to win in a noisy Superdome, and Austin for stepping up yet again and catching seven passes for 139 yards and a TD.

Defensive Game Balls go to Anthony Spencer for disrupting QB Drew Brees in the backfield, and Mike Jenkins for disrupting Brees from the secondary. But top ball goes to DeMarcus Ware for coming back a week after a near career-ending injury and playing lights out with two sacks and two forced fumbles, including the game-sealer.

Bench The Bum Award – Williams is playing like a fifth receiver and should be rewarded thusly.

He’s Going Psycho Award – Flozelle Adams continued his rush toward complete psychosis, madly shoving Marian Barber down after a touchdown, and then later having to be held back by a teammate after attacking a referee after yet another personal foul.

Separated at Birth AwardAlex Flanagan and her much more colorful and beeyotchy twin from E! TV with the initials C.H.


  1. “Isn’t an education required to open your mouth?”

    Mark, you answered your own question — the answer being, “Obviously not.”

  2. Did you notice that the Fort Worth Star-Telegram is ripping off your Separated at Birth feature in that rag’s sports column?

  3. I hadn’t noticed but that’s okay. I ripped off the Separated at Birth thingy from somebody else. The concept has been around for years, mostly in celebrity and entertainment columns. I incorporated it into this sports column at the beginning of the season because they’re fun.

    By the way, this column is called “Off Asides” for a reason — it is comprised of “off” (askew) “asides” (remarks) of no great relevance.

    In other words, this column is composed of nutty remarks of no great relevance about a game of no real importance.

    If you want sports columns filled with inane locker room quotes weighted down with pointless statistics and a veneer of self-importance, skip “Off Asides” and spend the better part of your meaningless life reading real sports columns and listening to The Ticket.

  4. Will the Cowboys ever make it easy on us? They should, get that, SHOULD get up on Washington early by throwing it deep to Austin and spend the second half with a steady diet of Barber and Jones, but I’m sure it will take them to the fourth quarter to score again.

  5. After reading this week’s edition of “Off Asides On Dallas Cowboys,” Wade “the Real Bum” Phillips jumped into action and cut Folk and signed former Cowboys and Redskins kicker Shaun Suisham.

    Now all he has to do is bump Roy Williams down to fifth receiver and watch while the Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

  6. Having watched Suisham shank a chip-shot field goal against New Orleans a few weeks ago that let the Saints come from behind and stay unbeaten, I’m not so sure this is the way to go.

    Well, at least the football world has stopped talking about the Cowboys’ December swoon and moved on to talking about Brett Favre’s December swoon. Sometimes it’s nice to not be talked about.