Everybody else seems to have done lists of handsomest guys at the World Cup, but those tend to focus on the sport’s superstars. I thought I’d try to get some lesser-known names on my squad along with the famous players. My thanks to the female employees here at the Weekly who helped pick out
THE WORLD CUP ALL-PRETTY TEAM
GK: Iker Casillas (Spain) — “San Iker” has Spain one win away from glory.
DF: Holger Badstuber (Germany) — Apparently, Brad Pitt has a German little brother who plays soccer.
DF: Carlos Bocanegra (USA) — Certainly helps USA’s cause that their captain is such a handsome devil.
DF: Gerard Piqué (Spain) — Bad news, though, ladies: This tall drink of water may be playing for the other team.
DF: Daiki Iwamasa (Japan) — Rather alluring, in a scowly sort of way.
DF: Aleksandar Luković (Serbia) — If you like the brooding Slavic type.
MF: Yoann Gourcuff (France) — When your teammates supposedly try to blackball you for being so pretty, that’s really something.
MF: Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal) — Because this list will have no credibility if he’s not on it.
MF: Joel Matip (Cameroon) — Looks about 100 times better when he smiles than when he’s got a neutral expression.
FW: Roque Santa Cruz (Paraguay) — Injury prone and streaky striker has cheekbones to kill for.
FW: Didier Drogba (Côte d’Ivoire) — This award should make him feel better after his injury led to his team’s underachievement.
Bench: Thomas Sørensen (Denmark), Clarence Goodson (USA), Carlos Bonet (Paraguay), Mikkel Beckmann (Denmark), Antonio di Natale (Italy).
I also compiled a list of the ugliest guys here. Because I’m charitable (though, apparently, not charitable enough to not make this list in the first place), I’ve kept the comments to a minimum.
THE WORLD CUP ALL-UGLY TEAM
GK: Richard Kingson (Ghana)
DF: Per Krøldrup (Denmark)
DF: André Ooijer (Netherlands)
DF: Rolando (Portugal) — Actually, Portugal’s entire defense could go here, with Bruno Alves, Pepe, and Duda giving him competition.
MF: Angelo Palombo (Italy)
MF: Franck Ribéry (France) — Has a scar from a childhood car accident. If you really want ugly, though, check out his private life.
MF: Dirk Kuyt (Netherlands)
MF: Mesut Özil (Germany) — Football 365’s readers had all sorts of funny answers to the question, “Who does he look like?”
FW: Carlos Tévez (Argentina)
FW: Takayuki Morimoto (Japan)
FW: Peter Crouch (England)
Bench: Lee Woon-jae (South Korea), Giorgio Chiellini (Italy), Angel Di María (Argentina), Rodolfo Gamarra (Paraguay), Dominic Adiyiah (Ghana).
Ever since the days of Carlos Valderrama, players have recognized that the world is watching them at the World Cup, and if they can’t catch people’s eyes with their play, they can at least wear a wacky hairstyle. Here are the best hairstyles I’ve seen at this year’s tournament.
THE WORLD CUP ALL-HAIR TEAM
GK: Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico) — He and his Sideshow Bob were left on the bench for Mexico, but he still got this Allstate commercial.
DF: Rigobert Song (Cameroon) — The craziest one. Cameroon’s nickname is “The Indomitable Lions.” I guess Song was trying to look like one.
DF: Martin Demichelis (Argentina) — Guy’s hair would do any female supermodel proud.
DF: Carles Puyol (Spain) — A mainstay on this team for his 1980s hair-metal ‘do.
MF: Miloš Krasić (Serbia) — Impressive long blond ‘do, but he’s no Pavel Nedvěd.
MF: Hassan Yebda (Algeria) — What’s better than a black guy with a Mohawk? An Arab guy with a blond Mohawk!
MF: Keisuke Honda (Japan) — No World Cup is complete without an Asian dude with a dye job.
MF: Marek Hamšik (Slovakia) — Damn, look at that! How does that thing stand up like that? Every time he heads the ball, I expect his hair to deflate it.
MF: Walter Martinez (Honduras) — Dreadlocks dyed three different colors! How much work did this take?
FW: Gervinho (Côte d’Ivoire) — This one’s so weird, there isn’t a name for it yet.
FW: Georgios Samaras (Greece) — “He used to be a caveman / But now he’s a forward! / Unfrozen Caveman Forward!”
Bench: Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi’s gray frosting (Japan), Bacary Sagna’s string cheese look (France), Brett Holman’s mullet (Australia), Fernando Llorente’s mushroom cloud (Spain), Josh Kennedy’s Prince Valiant plus goatee (Australia)
Coach: Joachim Löw (Germany) — Who knew the 1994-style Rachel cut would work on a 50-year-old man?