I wrung my hands over recent reports that Cap’n Crunch cereal was being phased out by PepsiCo, which is owner of Quaker Oats, the ship that floats Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch on the high seas of sugar-encrusted breakfast foods. Turns out the good Cap’n won’t be retiring, thank Neptune. He’s just weathering the choppy waters of First Lady Michelle Obama’s maritime offensive on childhood obesity. Argh!
I’d like to say I’m hopeful that the Cap’n will sail on into the diets of grade schoolers and college stoners, but I’m not. I’ve lived through the sugary cereal wars and seen the casualties. King Vitaman, with his noble crown of spoons, was dethroned by competitors with better child appeal. (Also, his cereal tasted like shit). Franken Berry – my favorite as a kid – was chased to his fruity death by a torch-bearing mob of village nutritionists. Even Tony the Tiger has been declawed by “Now With More Fiber!” signs on his box. Risin’ up to the challenge of his rivals? I don’t think so.
I’m afraid the new breakfast of choice for kids is energy drinks and Cheetos – which, when you think about it, is only a slight chemical rearrangement of the original Cap’n Crunch recipe. Minus the seven essential vitamins and minerals, of course.