I’ve been looking for Halloween season reports of “weird animal” phenomena to rival last year’s chupacabra sightings in Texas. Rural dwellers must have cut back on the bathtub meth and Kentucky Deluxe in 2011, because Lone Star cryptozoological appearances so far are paltry and disappointing.
The most recent Texas discovery with creepy “What the hell is that?” potential was an ancient skull found a week ago at Lake Georgetown north of Austin, and even that was ruined by science: Anthropologists say it belonged to a prehistoric Native American man with “a gritty diet,” which explains worn down molars in the jaw. Yawn.
But I believe these anthropologists are hiding something shocking from the public, namely: This “prehistoric skull” belongs to an ancient race of flesh-eating Texas lake creatures with humanoid heads and amphibian bodies. Chemicals related to the fracking process have seeped into the water and revived the DNA of this monstrous race. Their “gritty diet” will be any chump nursing a wine cooler just a little too close to the lake’s edge on a Saturday night. I’ll stick to this theory until someone finally reports a “weird animal” sighting of chupacabra-level awesomeness.