The good old days.
The good old days.

Everything you thought was important right now –– the presidential campaign, the violence in Syria, ongoing weather-related catastrophes –– pales in comparison to the recently exploded StewPat scandal. Because of the super-complex nature of the situation, a gossip timeline has been provided to mark each new development in the six day saga of Kristen Stewart’s weird, clumsy betrayal of Robert Pattinson.

You’re probably saying, “Why should I care?” and the answer is: I don’t know why. But I haven’t seen any of the Twilight flicks and the above timeline is a very funny read. My favorite entry is July 17 (Day One), in which the highest paid young actress in Hollywood and a 41-year-old married director fail to consider that they might be photographed while making out in a parking lot and on a hiking trail.

(Honestly, can you imagine Elizabeth Taylor and Eddie Fisher at the height of their affair making out in a parking lot? Yeah, I can, too, but at least Liz would be wearing amazing jewelry and balancing a gin and tonic while she did it).


Breathless StewPat headlines include “All You Need to Know About the Kristen Stewart Affair That Destroyed Everyone” (italics mine) and “Kristen Stewart Affair Disappoints ‘Twilight’ Fans But Unlikely to Affect Film’s Popularity.” I disagree –– Twilight fans are thrilled and Stewart’s brief but tawdry shtup is box office Viagra, baby. But the real dirt is yet to come. When will it finally be revealed that Kristen Stewart is a boy and Robert Pattinson has no genitalia at all?