Did you wake up this morning feeling a little safer? That’s likely because hundreds of thousands of public dollars and countless hours of law enforcement activity were marshalled to take 18 dangerous North Texas criminals off the street. These sociopathic thugs were responsible for horrors like chronic Hostess Snack Cake consumption and the rise of the bloodthirsty Brony Cartel among unemployed adult men. Thanks to the finely calibrated efforts of local and federal authorities, Harold and Kumar movies will finally seem as unfunny as they actually are.

The lead prosecutor issued a statement: “Though these arrests only make a dent in daily hits on the Lazy Kush website, we are confident that a statement has been sent throughout the community: Hot women will no longer be exploited in the pursuit of a supertight fatty. The Green Menace has not been conquered, but it has surely been weakened. Maybe not weakened exactly, but slightly diminished. My point is, it’ll be a little harder to score a dime bag for the next couple of days.” Whew!