Whatever the opposite of a bucket list is, put the Texas SkyScreamer on mine. Before I die, I hope never to be a victim in a terrorist bombing incident; nor be swallowed by a sinkhole underneath my bedroom floor; nor pay –– nor have anyone pay for me –– to ride Six Flags’ newest “attraction.”

The SkyScreamer, in case you hadn’t heard, is a giant swing ride that dangles you 400 feet above the ground while spinning you around at 35 m.p.h.. Fans of amusement park rides, please remind me: Why does that sound fun again? And don’t tell me it offers the thrill of extreme height and velocity without any of the risk. For me, the terrifying thought isn’t getting killed by a fall from the SkyScreamer, however unlikely that is. Dying that way would definitely suck, but you know, it’d be over pretty quick. No, what keeps me off the SkyScreamer is the sheer undies-soiling horror of getting stuck up there if the ride should break down. Not a huge risk of that, either, but a bigger chance than falling. There’s not enough Klonopin in the world’s pharmacies to dope me up against that possibility.

Every time I see a TV commercial for the ride, I ask myself: “Are you feeling lucky?” And the answer is always: Nope, not at all. Have fun, Six Flags daredevils, but count me out.