This week Arlington will serve as the frontline in a new fast food war: The company that owns KFC will open a new chain eatery called Super Chix that, industry analysts note, is designed to go head-to-head with Chik-fil-A for the chicken sandwich market. Since there are only so many ways you can batter, bread and deep fry a boneless processed chicken patty, Super Chix needs to find another way to distinguish itself from Chik-fil-A.
The solution is simple: The new kid on the block ought to make the super-gayest chicken sandwich on planet Earth, to counteract the noxious anti-gay rep that still clings to Chik-fil-A like the odor from a New Jersey rendering plant. Below are some free tips to help Super Chix wrap itself as tightly as possible in the ol’ rainbow flag:
1. Launch an ad campaign with the most annoyingly all-American LGBT couple ever. Super Chix should enlist a pair of longtime married lesbians who’re especially palatable to (left-leaning) mainstream America. We’ll call them “Deb and Tig.” Deb should be a highly decorated military officer, while Tig should be a lawyer who does a lot of pro bono work on behalf of environmental causes. They should enjoy their Super Chix sandwiches in a pristine two-story house many real lesbian couples couldn’t afford, with at least one daughter adopted from a Third World country.
2. Pick a fight with a local anti-gay doofus. Start a false rumor on social media about some high-profile North Texas bigot like Robert Jeffress, pastor of First Baptist Dallas. Claim that he declared during a sermon: “God has tasted the Super Chix sandwich, and it has the flavor of sodomy.” It doesn’t matter that Jeffress didn’t actually say that, because (A) half the stuff on Facebook is made up anyway and (B) he’s perfectly capable of making such a moronic statement. Then take a righteous stand against Jeffress and for something vague like “love and diversity.”
3. Don’t forget the bar crowd. Set aside weekend “happy hours” in which chicken sandwiches will be served by 22-year-old pretty boys in micro-thongs who claim to be bisexual. Advertise your chicken sandwiches as made with a secret recipe that’s not “seasoned” but “infused” with imported vodka (not from any Russian territories, natch.) Organize special in-house events for the bear crowd, ‘cause those guys will give a thumbs up to anything deep-fried.
Most important of all: Set up a large and visible “LGBT customer complaints” desk, because Super Chix owners will quickly discover there’s just no pleasing these people.
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