In the wild kingdom of bars many different species of drinking establishments cohabitate to create a beautiful world of drunkenness that we can all enjoy and appreciate. If you look closely, in the distance you can see a street corner teeming with Irish, Scottish, and English pubs. The Karaoke bar goes dancing by singing its siren song trying to attract a susceptible newly divorced mate. College bars posture themselves in a fight for dominance over territory. Then there’s the cocktail bar, a unique animal with strange behaviors that many observers don’t quite understand. Getting to know one intimately can be a wonderful experience, but it’s best to get a quick lesson in its idiosyncrasies to be able to fully appreciate its singularity in this wooly world. Here’s a quick guide to getting to know your local cocktail bar:

Rule 1: You have to be open to trying something new. If it senses that you are willing to discover all it has to offer, it will readily avail itself to you and offer up all its wonders. Sometimes the cocktail bar can come on a little strong at but that’s okay, it’s just excited. If you feel intimidated you can always back away and try your approach again on another night.

Rule 2: Understand that you must be patient. The Cocktail Bar can sometimes mimic the Oyster. We all value and cherish the beauty of a pearl, but there’s no quick way to make one. Just sit back, relax, enjoy the company you came on safari with and know that in due time the Cocktail Bar will provide you with exactly what you came in search of.

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Rule 3:  Have trust in your Cocktail Bar. Just as you want to be happy, it wants you to be happy. If it offers you a gift and it’s not to your liking feel free to let your cocktail bar know and it will gladly offer you another gift gratis. It wants to be loved and will do anything to make you happy.

Rule 4: Don’t yell at the Cocktail Bar. You’ll frighten it easily. It knows that what it’s offering has a particularly potent effect and though it wants you to enjoy its company, it also want to know that you’ll return home from your journey safely.

Rule 5: Endear yourself to your Cocktail Bar with an appropriate gratuity. This rule holds true for the entirety of the bar kingdom. It is especially true for the cocktail bar though. It’s spent a long time developing the skill and knowledge to offer you gifts that are truly wonderful and unique and if you treat is as such, might just treat you to a gift that is a truly once in a lifetime experience.

Lastly, this particular kind of bar can be elusive. They sometimes mask themselves as other kinds of bars or have no address. They’ve even been known to hide behind symbols, telephone booths, and secret doors. If you decide to track down this magnificent creature just keep these rules in mind and you’re sure to have a good time.