His new contract is this big!

Throw Up the X
There is joy in Cowboys Nation today, for Dez Bryant signed a $70 million contract with the team yesterday, and you didn’t. Among other things, the deal averts possible collusion charges that the agents for Bryant and Denver Broncos wideout Demaryius Thomas were rumored to be pondering against the NFL. Of course, such a rumor might well have been floated as a negotiating tactic to get the deals done on time in the first place. In any event, the two-time Pro Bowler will be in a Cowboys uniform for the foreseeable future. In other news, New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul remains without a deal. Wonder why.

Inside the DJ Fiasco
In less happy local sports news, Ramona Shelburne and Tim MacMahon got the inside scoop on the whole bizarre saga that ended with DeAndre Jordan pissing all over the Mavericks’ free-agency plans and returning to the Clippers. The story is extensively sourced with people on both teams, including Mark Cuban. It is a fascinating read, if not a fun one for fans of the home team.

T.C. ♥ D.T.
Yesterday, Ted Cruz made a pilgrimage to New York City to bow at the feet of racist loudmouth and fellow no-hope Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. It makes quite a bit of sense for these two to work as a team, if only informally, to attack and possibly dethrone weak-kneed party moderates like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio. You may think that life for the GOP establishment can’t get any more mortifying, but you’d be wrong, because…


Roger Goodell Advises Republicans
Yes! GOP Congressmen brought the NFL Commissioner to the House of Representatives to advise their members. The radioactively unpopular commish who has repeatedly botched issues of head injuries, domestic violence, and player discipline is the guy the House Republicans are turning to for wisdom. To borrow Dave Barry’s old catchphrase, I am not making this up. Despite being widely mocked and reviled, Goodell just keeps making obscene amounts of money for himself and a small cadre of rich white men. Come to think of it, he’s probably the perfect advisor for the Republicans.

And Finally…
Ever get the sense that fast-food executives are just stoned all the time? How else do you explain some of the items they try to sell us? The latest new food-like concoction to make you weep tears of joy or despair is KFC’s Chizza, a pepperoni-and-pineapple pizza that uses a fried chicken breast for a crust! That’s right, somebody ate a pizza and thought to themselves, “I love this, but I hate bread. This needs fried chicken!” For the moment, you’re going to have to fly to the Philippines to buy one. This Tagalog-language TV commercial for the dish uses “I Will Survive” as its jingle. If you eat a Chizza, you might actually not.

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