Mother Nature displays her bias early in today’s matchup between the Dallas Cowboys and Miami Dolphins.
When the Dolphins get the ball, the sun is out. When the Cowboys get the ball, a toad-strangling rain pours down. The Cowboys punt, and as soon as the Dolphins touch the ball, the rain stops.
The Cowboys have enough problems without Mother Nature piling on.
Tony Romo is playing his first game since breaking his collarbone two months ago. He’d hoped his backups might win a couple of games in his absence. Instead, Brandon “Orange is the New Hack” Weeden and Matt “Dry Moat” Cassel tanked seven times. No NFL team has ever lost seven in a row and made it to the Super Bowl. Then again, nobody knew peas worked in guacamole until somebody did it.
Mother Nature has been hating on the Cowboys since the 1960s. Remember the Ice Bowl in 1967? It was so cold that Jethro Pugh’s tongue stuck to the goal post, losing us the game.
Remember the icy Leon Lett Bowl in 1993? The man’s brain froze inside his head like a pea — a pea much smaller than the ones typically used in guacamole.
“I’ve got a background check on Mother Nature!” my research assistant, Hazel, says with urgency. “Born: beginning of creation. Occupation: mother of all nature.”
“What do you think it means?”
“I have no idea. But it quit raining an hour ago and the Cowboys are up 14-7 at the half. You’ve been ‘thinking’ with your eyes closed again.”
Damn, Off Asides better get its A-game on if it wants to continue being billed as the most comprehensive Cowboys column this side of Sulphur Springs and possibly the world.
The Cowboys appear shaky to start the second half. Romo struggles and makes the worst throw of his career, and I’m including his Pee Wee and grade school years.
Romo’s second interception of the day isn’t all his fault. He’s getting little time in the pocket because the offensive line is so sluggish and confused. Makes me question the Cowboys’ logic in hiring Bill Cosby as waterboy.
“I’ve discovered something important!” Hazel says. “Some cultures believe Mother Nature is married to Father Sky.”
“Hmmm, married a priest, huh? What does it mean?” I ask.
“I have no idea.”
The Dolphins tie the game 14-14 with 5:20 left in the quarter.
Finally, the Cowboys offense wakes up. Look at Romo! Rambling, scrambling, dissecting, genuflecting! The O-line overcomes its O-stupor and suddenly remembers how to block.
Darren McFadden runs like a man who didn’t accept a Pudding Pop on the sidelines.
The Cowboys dominate and win the game 24-14.
Romo is a god. Even Mother Nature and her preacher husband won’t mess with him.
Anyone who still considers Romo a choker can go gag on their Staubach sandwiches. This season was in the toilet until Romo returned. The quarterback that fans inexplicably blame for a 20-year Super Bowl drought just buckled up his chin strap for the first time in two months and single-handedly turned this team around. Sundays are something to look forward to again.
The team is two games out of first place with six games left and most of its weapons in place for a playoff push.
As Romo told Tom Brady recently, “See you in February.”