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MARSELLUS WALLACE (Pulp Fiction)

Off Asides is fired up about today’s noon game against the Buffalo Bills even though the Dallas Cowboys are playing for nothing but pride.

If they lose the next two games, their pick improves dramatically in next year’s draft. Maybe that’s why owner Jerry Jones recruited motivational speaker Marsellus Wallace to address the team in the locker room just prior to today’s game.

MARSELLUS: For the next two weeks, your asses go down. Say it.

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COWBOYS: For the next two weeks, our asses go down.

MARSELLUS: During the games, you might feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you.

TEAM PHYSICIAN: And, of course, the various STDs.

MARSELLUS: Fuck pride. Pride only hurts. It never helps.

GREG HARDY.

GREG HARDY: First, I resent the strong language. Second, I resent the insinuation that anyone on this team would tank these next two games. Yes, Tony Romo is hitting 40 and his bones are more brittle than Betty White’s… .

TONY ROMO: Uh, I’m right here. And I’m only 35.

GREG HARDY: … and we’d improve our future if we drafted an elite quarterback in the first round before Romo completely breaks down.

MARSELLUS: This profession is filled to the brim with unrealistic mofos. Mofos who thought their asses would age like wine. Romo’s ass hasn’t aged like wine. Look at it. Looks more like Brando’s ass in Last Tango in Paris.

ROMO: Again, right here.

GREG HARDY: Now that you mention it, Marsellus, pride can indicate hubris and an inflated sense of self. Thanks for the speech. I appreciate people who are straightforward and speak with candor. Unless you’re a woman I’m dating, in which case Ima slappa bitch.

KELLEN MOORE, STARTING QUARTERBACK FOR THE DALLAS COWBOYS. REALLY.

JERRY JONES: Hey, let’s watch the language. There’s a 12-year-old boy in the locker room.

JASON GARRETT: That’s Kellen Moore, your quarterback, sir.

JERRY JONES: Oh. Damn, we need a real quarterback. Let’s get out there and lose!

Which college quarterback should the Cowboys pursue? That’s the kind of question that requires the highly skilled investigative research techniques that make Off Asides the most comprehensive Cowboys column this side of Sulphur Springs and possibly the world.

OFF ASIDES: I’m heading to the library to research college players.

HAZEL THE RESEARCH ASSISTANT: I could google “top quarterback prospects in nfl draft” and have the info in one … two … and there it is. What would you like to know?

OFF ASIDES: You’re going to have to teach me to work the intranet some day.

HAZEL: Then I’d be out of a job. Employers aren’t exactly hiring middle aged dogs these days. Just ask Terrell Owens.

Walter Football is a reputable source for NFL info and has been nice enough to list the top prospects for 2016. Off Asides isn’t into college ball and knows nothing about the players listed. But I’ve written enough sports columns to know how to read between the lines.

No.1 Prospect — Paxton Lynch of Memphis. I like him already. His last name is perfect for creatively challenged headline writers. He’s 6 feet 7 inches tall, meaning his ribs and collar bones are higher up and more difficult to break than Romo’s. Uh oh. The report says Lynch beat his Ole Miss this year. The NFL isn’t tolerating domestic problems anymore. Better forget about this loser.

No. 2 Prospect – Jared Goff of California. The report says he has good “field vision.” I find that hard to believe. I lived in California. The smog was so thick it burned my eyes. My soft contact lenses turned from clear to yellow in days. Besides, Goff’s last name doesn’t do much for me, headline wise. If he led the Cowboys to a victory, you could say “A good day for Goff,” I suppose. But that’s not as good as, “Lynch mob strangles Eagles.”

No. 3 Prospect – Connor Cook of Michigan State. Alliterative names are trending for professional ball handlers (Blake Bortles, Tyrod Taylor, all the Kardashians). However, nothing else in Cook’s report makes me think of anything funny, so I recommend skipping him in the draft.

Hmmmm. College prospects are slim. Maybe this new kid Kellen Moore is our qb of the future after all. Just because he gets carded at PG-13 movies doesn’t mean he can’t lead this team to the Super Bowl. Billy the Kid killed his first man as a teenager. Frank Sinatra Jr. was only 19 when he got kidnapped.

Now, compare them to our latest prospect turned wash-out qb Brandon Weeden, who didn’t even graduate college until he was 30. He was the first college qb to win a bowl game while battling hemorrhoids, an enlarged prostate, and high cholesterol.

HAZEL: So you’re saying the Cowboys should stick with Moore, groom him as Romo’s replacement, forego drafting a quarterback, and focus on other positional needs instead?

OFF ASIDES: Huh? Well, if that’s what I said, then, yeah.

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