Whew. Watching the Dallas Cowboys this season was like driving on Airport Freeway during rush-hour traffic in a 1978 Datsun with a burned out clutch. It’s somehow stressful and boring at the same time.
If anything was proved this year it’s that quarterback Tony Romo is the only player that the team can’t live without. The offensive line is billed as one of the best. So is Dez Bryant. They were nothing without Romo.
Unfortunately, God only created clavicles to support the collars of shirts, which were very lightweight back in Jesus’s day. Robes really. Remember the scene in The Big Lebowski when The Dude is shopping for milk while wearing his bathrobe? That’s how everybody used to dress. Nobody knew back then that those same collarbones would be required to withstand the kinds of hits delivered in the NFL.
The final Cowboys game is being played at home and the dome is open. But even God doesn’t appear to be watching his team anymore. Something about the team’s general manager being beyond redemption.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: The IT Department requests that we do more lists to attract hits. Lists are clickbait gold. Please incorporate them into your column.]
Lists, shmists. Lists are man’s desperate attempt to create order from chaos and to try to quantify the infinite. Lists pander to the lowest common denominator among web browsers. Lists dumb things down, dumb Americans down. Lists take the place of meaningful research and discussion.
Sure, I’ll give it a shot.
Top 10 Reasons I Won’t Do Lists
10. They create short attention spans
Randy Galloway is retiring after 50 years in sports media, the past 20 or so with the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Galloway did more than anyone to push the mantra that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones should fire himself as general manager.
Jones’ first official duty as GM was to fire the only head coach the team had ever known — Tom Landry.
And Jones did it in such a crappy way, he made Landry cry.
That’s right, Jones can make statues cry, but he can’t run a draft.
Jones made fans cry again by firing only the second head coach the team had ever known, Jimmy Johnson.
It’s been mostly downhill general manager-wise, and Galloway’s been hollering about it ever since.
Off Asides wishes Galloway the best in retirement.
If all the horse gambling and tequila shots deplete your financial nestegg prematurely, forcing you to return to the workplace, here’s a list to help:
Top 4-1/2 Jobs That Randy Galloway Now Qualifies For
4. Mustache consultant
3. CPR (cleaning public restrooms)
2. Mattress soiler
1. Used carp salesman (few people would buy a car from Galloway but they might buy a fish)
½. Drunken reminiscer
Top Job That Galloway Doesn’t Qualify For
1. Carrying Off Asides’ jock strap
Top 5 Things We Learned This Season
5. Experts who touted the offensive line as the baddest in the NFL were using the pre-1980s definition of bad.
4. Greg Hardy is meaner on paper than on the football field.
3. When the going gets tough, Dez Bryant cracks like a dry twig.
2. The Cowboys need to groom a successor to Romo (somebody not named Johnny Manziel or Brandon Weeden).
1. Galloway was right.
Thanks to everyone for reading another silly year of Off Asides. See you next season when Romo will be back, the Cowboys will have drafted a first round qb and a new running back, and the team is guaranteed to win the Super Bowl!
P.S. If I hear Peyton Manning humming that Nationwide commercial jingle one more time, I’m going to make him watch the entire 2015 Cowboys season on endless loop.