Like you, I spent much of mid-February on my couch watching the Winter Olympics, and I think I want to try that deep-fried pizza that Stanley Tucci found in Milan.
Even before the 2026 Winter Olympics started, I found some great entertainment in the news that male ski jumpers were being accused of enlarging their penises, not for the usual reasons that men do that but so that they could get extra fabric on their ski suits that would enable them to jump farther. On other cheating fronts, Julia Simon won three gold medals for France in the biathlon despite being convicted of stealing her teammate’s and physical therapist’s credit cards and buying all sorts of stuff with them. And the Canadian curling team was accused of cheating, which I think is what happens when you have a sport that’s mostly self-officiated. As this paper’s film critic, I refer you to the 2002 movie Men With Brooms, which showcases a deeply Canadian sense of humor and is the only curling movie I’m aware of.
The figure skating competition was notable for the U.S. women shattering the whole stereotype of the demure ice princess who spends 12 hours a day practicing salchows and lutzes. Alyssa Liu walked away from the sport only to come back to it and drop an f-bomb on live TV after her gold medal-winning performance. Plano’s Amber Glenn demonstrated her resiliency by delivering on her free skate after biffing it in the short program. She brings home a gold from the team event and proof that figure skating is for the queer women, too.
When women’s hockey became an Olympic sport in 1998, everybody assumed that the European countries would eventually catch up to USA and Canada. Today, the gulf between the North Americans and the rest of the world is wider than ever. The U.S. women were less than three minutes away from losing the gold-medal match before Hilary Knight tipped home a shot to force overtime. The game-winner was worth replaying multiple times, as USA’s Taylor Heise caught Canada on a line change and her 100-foot pass found Megan Keller, whose inhuman juke left Claire Thompson in her wake and whose backhand shot found its way under the pad of goalie Ann-Renée Desbiens to give USA gold.
The men’s hockey tournament had NHL players for the first time in 12 years, and the whole sport is better off for it. France’s Pierre Crinon was suspended by his own federation for fighting Team Canada’s Tom Wilson. Come on — who hasn’t wanted to punch Tom Wilson? Crinon is only human.
The Russians are not at these Olympics because of the whole Ukraine invasion thing. I am good with that, but it does make me sad that we don’t get to see a Russian hockey team with Evgeni Malkin, Nikita Kucherov, Kirill Kaprizov, Andrei Vasilevskiy, and perhaps one last hurrah for Alexander Ovechkin. They could have done some serious damage or flamed out spectacularly. Either way, it would have been great to watch. Apparently, you can’t even play with Team Russia on NHL 26.
The host country predictably didn’t do much, as an Italy squad with no NHL players lost the most lopsided Olympic hockey game in history, an 11-0 smoking by Finland. It did get me thinking, though, about what an all-time Italy team would look like with hockey players of Italian descent. Results were imposing, with Dallas Stars Mike Modano and Jason Spezza centering the top two lines and with scoring options aplenty (Phil Esposito, Dino Ciccarelli, Mark Recchi). The defensive corps is somewhat thin after Mark Giordano and Alex Pietrangelo, but I would put my faith in goalies Tony Esposito, Roberto Luongo, and Tom Barrasso to shut down any offense.
I was happy to see the Slovaks make the medal round, something they couldn’t do 20-25 years ago when their country was absolutely loaded with talent (Marián Hossa, Peter Bondra, Pavol Demitra, Zdeno Chára). They wound up losing the bronze-medal game to Finland, but Juraj Slafkovský looks like the next great Slovak star.
I’ll admit I thought Canada would win the gold medal in men’s hockey. Even with Sidney Crosby injured, I figured they had too much strength in depth for everybody else, yet Team Canada looked weirdly ropey, needing overtime to beat the Czech Republic in the quarterfinals. Going to overtime against USA in the gold-medal match was a bridge too far for them, with Jack Hughes scoring the winner after his brother Quinn did the same against Sweden in the quarters. I was happy not to see Wilson and Brad Marchand celebrate and happier that the team honored Johnny Gaudreau, who would have been playing for Team USA had he not been killed along with his brother by a drunk driver in summer 2024. That sentimental touch was the perfect note to end these Winter Games on.
