It ain’t easy being me, a native Pittsburgher surrounded by Cowboys fans, Rangers fans, and Stars fans. My friends here are always razzing me, saying stuff like, “Tony Romo’s girlfriend is way hotter than Ben Roethlisberger’s!” and “Mike Modano could kick Sidney Crosby’s ass in golf!” I often have to hang my head in shame. The past few years have been especially brutal. The Steelers have won a couple of Super Bowls, including the most recent, their sixth overall, and, just last week, the Penguins won the Stanley Cup, their third overall. The pressure to fit in down here sometimes gets so bad I actually forget where I’m from. “You know,” I stammer, “that place where people are always lifting trophies over their heads? Sixburgh, I think.” My friends here –– they’re so mean –– don’t even try to help me out. They just shoot daggers at me. I sometimes *sniff* get so sad I could *sniff* cry.
Now that Cowboys mini-camp has started and the Rangers are in first place in the AL West, I have to expect more taunting and teasing and general meanness, with my Fort Worth friends saying stuff like, “Hey, Anthony. You think you Pittsburghers can really throw a celebration party, wait ‘til the ‘Boys win their first playoff game in 13 seasons or when the Rangers win their first playoff game since 1808 –– it’ll be like New Year’s Eve in Times Square down here! And YOU won’t be invited to ANY of the fun.”
I’m not a pity-seeking person, but if you Cowboys/Rangers/Stars fans could find it in your hearts to be nice to me over the next few months, I’d be greatly appreciative. Thank you.