I really ought to reconsider my proud status as a non-parent. Not caring if the planet explodes after they lay them copper coins over my eyes, I miss out on some of the best debates over The Children and the future– like whether chocolate milk in public school lunches is a health hazard or a special enticement for kids to consume needed vitamins.

For the moment, let’s leave aside the fact that most of the world’s developing countries would LOVE to agonize over something so trivial. Let’s pretend the chocolate milk debate is important so we can make fun of it. If we cut the Hershey’s moo, does that mean the Chick-Fil-A cow, the Chuck E. Cheese mouse, and the CiCi’s bulimic will stop sponsoring “school spirit” events nationwide? (I don’t know if CiCi’s has a mascot, so I assigned them a convenient one).

The practical question is – how many parents drink low-fat or skim milk with their lunches, be it a naughty burger and fries or a virtuous lentil soup and green salad? The answer is probably none, because non-flavored milk tastes gross with everything except frosted corn flakes and Li’l Debbie snack cakes. And I say that as a milk fan.


So rest your blades, helicopter parents. Keep chocolate milk alive in public schools. And if you’re that concerned about its overconsumption, then join me in a campaign for school menu choice – add strawberry- and banana-flavored milk as healthy alternatives. Seriously, have you tried banana milk lately? I could drink a gallon of that stuff at one sitting.