If anything is clear about 2011’s much-hyped Super Bowl in Arlington, it’s that fans can be divided between winners and losers. So stand back, beyotches, because I am a Super Bowl victor – I just bought a $200 “Plaza Party” ticket!

Technically, I bought four tickets for $800, cuz that’s the only way they’re sold. But it’s all good! This super exclusive, VIP-squared NFL admission package will enable me to sit on a hard grassy lawn in the frigid air outside the stadium and watch the game on a really big TV screen – like, even bigger than the big ones you see at Best Buy! I’ll also receive a “commemorative” program that tells me the names of the teams I am watching on the outdoor TV screen. That’s called “inside information,” losers! Plus, as a Plaza Party high roller, I’ll have access to as many $9 beers as I want.

I suppose I could sit and enjoy the game at home with friends, but then I wouldn’t be a part of Super Bowl history. And I wouldn’t get the “commemorative” scarf that seals the deal on my $800 brush with the celebrity lifestyle. Cuz you see, I roll like Jerry Jones and the NFL tell me to roll – and that means straight past the red velvet rope, baby!