I just got my hands on a brand spanking new iPhone 5. Believe the hype, people. This lighter, sleeker, faster beauty has given me a rush that nothing can compare to. You could dip Brad Pitt in Nutella and serve him naked on a plate, and I’d say: “No thanks. I’m good. I’ve got the iPhone 5.”

For starters, the iPhone 5 is half an inch longer than the iPhone 4s. Half a motherf***ing inch. A larger screen will decrease the chances I’ll kill a pedestrian while texting on the road. And the new phone is about an ounce lighter than the old crappy model. My spine has been pulled off balance by carrying that extra ounce in my pocket; the iPhone 5 should provide some much needed chiropractic relief. How about that new panorama feature on the camera? Now I can upload wide angle footage of drunk 3am sex to my Xtube channel. Sweet.

Best of all, I get to pay $400, just a year after I shelled out hundreds for the iPhone 4s. Who says the economy’s in the toilet?


  1. Jimmy, you’re hilarious! Guess what? I don’t even have an iPhone. I know: the horror; the shame; the disgrace. I’m amazed that I haven’t rotted away. I’m sure my demise is imminent.

  2. I know what you mean. Smartphones have given me the ability to ignore all life around me. What could be better?! Nothing is more enjoyable than sitting around the table with my family and looking up to see all these people I hardly know anymore with their faces glued to little TV screens.