Like many adults, I mostly skimmed this week’s report about Frisco ISD officially “discouraging” cupcakes and other junky sweets at classroom parties during the new school year. “Another nail in the coffin of childhood,” I sighed, nostalgically chewing the Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll in my right hand. But then something in the story caught my eye. Have you ever heard of Lauren’s Law? I hadn’t, until now. It’s a 2005 state ordinance that explicitly forbids Texas public schools from banning cupcakes and their ilk at classroom parties. Suddenly I was gripped with a Tea Party-ish pro-liberty fervor. Forget National Guard troops at the Texas-Mexico border –– on day one of the new school year, we need an armed presence at Frisco ISD who’ll facilitate the flow of butter cream frosting to the birthday girls and boys who, as far as I know, didn’t sign up to attend Joseph Stalin Elementary this fall.
The backstory about why Lauren’s Law was passed nine years ago sounds fishy to me: The state legislator who championed it claimed his 13-year-old daughter Lauren was getting trash talk at school due to rumors that her lawmaker dad had helped pass anti-cupcake legislation. Um, right. Thirteen-year-olds do not obsess over cupcake parties; they’re too busy slamming energy drinks and researching affordable contraceptive methods. I suspect the pro-confection lawmaker –– we’ll call him “Big Debbie” until there’s a grand jury indictment –– received some sweet campaign treats from the powerful candy sprinkles lobby. But no matter. If Frisco ISD gets any closer to flouting state law, we’ll know it’s time to fix our broken cupcake system with onsite officials authorized to arrest and detain.