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THE BIEBS (courtesy wikipedia)

News alert! Cubicle mates disagree over who the best roasters were on the recent Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber!

Eric Griffey (and most of social media) say Martha Stewart surprised everybody by being the funniest roaster of the evening, even though she was surrounded by professional comedians.

Jeff Prince agrees Stewart rocked, but says the brutal comedy of Natalia Leggero stole the show, followed closely by Jeff Ross.

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The two writers more easily agreed on who wasn’t very funny — Shaquille O’Neal, Ludacris, and Chris D’Elia. Still, even the worst presenters had some good lines, such as D’Elia, who mocked a Bieber music video: ” ”Baby’ is the most hated video online…And there are also ISIS videos online. That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming ‘Death to America!’ and sawing someone’s head off and thought, ‘Nope. Still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda in a bowling alley.’ ”

Here’s our list of the Top 10 Presenters and their best jokes (along with our comments):

JEFF’S LIST

1. Natasha Leggero — “Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.”

Comment: Leggero is just as toxic as Lisa Lampanelli but funnier.

2. Jeff Ross — “Even when you went to Anne Frank’s house there were fans waiting for you outside. I wish they were the same people waiting for Anne Frank. If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz. ”

Comment — Ross is my favorite host for these roasts, but he does great as a member of the dais as well.

3. Pete Davidson — “I lost my dad on 9/11 and I always regretted growing up without a dad until I met yours, Justin. And now I’m glad mine’s dead.”

Comment — Davidson’s dad was a NYC firefighter who died in the World Trade Center, so he’s one of the few people who could tell that joke and not be deported or hanged.

4. Martha Stewart — “Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. When I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn’t still hold a grudge.”

Comment — That long spiel was unexpected and hilarious and my favorite joke of the night.

5. Justin Bieber — “I lost some of my best qualities…Things I’ve done that don’t define who I am…I look forward to being someone you’re proud of…Someone close to me once said how you rise from a fall is how you are truly defined as a man.”

Comment — Bieber was being earnest and sincere, but it still sounded hysterical.

6. Kevin Hart — “Bieber has 10 million fans – most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one.”

Comment — Hart was an excellent host and kept the show energetic, and I give him props for cracking me up with a joke that was old-fashioned and corny and not the least bit crude, something to the effect of Justin Bieber “sings like Stevie Wonder, and drives like him too.”

7. Hannibal Buress — “I hate your music. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.”

Comment — Sounded more like he was just speaking truthfully than trying to make a joke, which made it even funnier.

8. Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy — “This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably a few other STDs.”

Comment — I love Ferrell and Burgundy, but neither were very funny this night.

9. Snoop Dogg — “Congratulations, Hannibal Buress. You are the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him.”

Comment — Snoop’s been funny on previous roasts but he seemed way too stoned this time around. Still, I liked his crack about Buress, the comic who’s rant about Bill Cosby drugging women opened up the gates to Cosby’s long line of accusers.

10. Chris D’Elia — Yawn.

Comment — D’Elia isn’t particularly funny but he had a good zinger or two. Supposedly he was on the show because he is Beiber’s favorite comedian.

11. Shaquille O’Neal — Yawn.

Comment — He had the vulgar part down, but not the funny part.

12. Ludacris — Yawn.

Comment — Ludacris didn’t say much of anything funny, he didn’t react very well to jokes made about him, and he complained to producers about some Paul Walker jokes that were later edited out. What a wuss.

ERIC’S LIST

1. Jeff Ross — “A lot of Beliebers are upset that Justin’s never won a Grammy. Well, there’s Martha Stewart, she can be your grammy” and ““The only person who has inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson’s dad inside the World Trade Center.”

Comment: The roast master was on top of his game. Almost everything he said was either funny or so mean, racist, and/or sexist it caused me to squirm.

2. Martha Stewart — “You’d never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends” and “…besides his music career, Snoop has now produced a porn movie –– and by the way Natasha, you were great in that. So I guess that tonight is the second time you’ve worked with five black guys.”

Comment: Most of what she said was only funny because it was her saying it. It was like listening to your grandmother read a dirty limerick.

3. Natasha Leggero — “Kevin [Hart] has a Napoleon complex. Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris, France is in Europe. Justin, Europe is a continent. Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast” and “Kevin is actually going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He’ll be playing Peter Dinklage’s shadow.”

Comment: Regular fans of the roast have learned to brace themselves when Leggero steps up to the mike. She didn’t disappoint. Her set was hilarious, irreverent, and painfully offensive.

4. Pete Davidson — “I lost my dad on 9/11, and I always regretted growing up without a dad –– until I met your dad, Justin. Now I’m glad mine is dead” and “Two people from the movie Soul Plane are here. Kevin, Snoop…Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane.”

Comment: I’m not an S&L fan, so that was the first time I saw the young comic. He used his father’s death in the World Trade Center on Sept. 11 to get a few cheapies, but overall he was a spot-on roaster.

5. Kevin Hart
Comment: As host, he was consistently funny, but didn’t deliver any huge laughs. His rant after Snoop’s set was the only funny thing to come out of it.

6. Hannibal Buress — [This best line was cut from the show]: “Actually, you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likeable in the public eye. I hope it doesn’t work.”

Comment: He just seemed angry, but that works well for roasting purposes.

7. Justin Bieber — “Natasha Leggero, this is my first time seeing you perform. You were great, even though you didn’t shoot out a single ping-pong ball like Snoop promised.”

Comment: Not bad from the Biebs. He had a few LOLs, and actually came across as a human being until his lame apology at the end of the show.

8. Ron Burgandy
Comment: The best part of Will Ferrell’s set was listing the dates of each of Bieber’s run-ins with the law. Not much else was funny.

9. Ludacris — “I remember getting a phone call saying, ‘We want you to collaborate with this little dude who will do anything to be famous.’ And I was like, ‘great, I love Kevin Hart.’ ”

Comment: So forgettable.

10. Snoop
Comment: It wasn’t cringe-worthy, but he didn’t really have any funny moments.

11. Chris D’elia — [To Bieber]: “You have it all, man, except respect, love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.”

Comment: I can’t believe this guy makes a living doing comedy.

12. Shaquille O’Neal

Comment: I’ll say this for Shaq: At least he can take a joke. And he was the butt of many of the funniest quips.

 

5 COMMENTS

    • You’re right. Jeff Ross is referred to as the Roastmaster General and has appeared on more Comedy Central Roasts (12) than anyone else, but has never hosted the event. Silly dumbass me.

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