Courtesy Facebook

Not being very tech savvy, there’s no way I can figure out to track it, to follow all of the snowflaking that will go down now that a certain red-headed Texas music legend who’s friends with pinko commie bastard Beto O’Rourke will play a certain Fort Worth venue that’s also hosted right-wing asshats Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. Multiple times.

Snowflake tears, snowflake tears are my favorite.

There are four Kid Rock shows at Billy Bob’s Texas at the end of the month. Three of them are already sold out. Imagine that: People paying for the right to be crapped on. I’d rather watch the Rangers. So when Willie Nelson plays The World’s Largest Honkytonk® on Sat, Nov 20, what can we expect? From the dopily smiling red-eyed attendees (answer: peace, love, and understanding) and from the commentariat, most of whom will undoubtedly still be willingly wallowing in Kid Rock funk, which smells like stale light beer, little dick energy, and a fast-food dumpster? Hate, pure hate, is the answer.


And the angry snowflakes will call for a boycott of Billy Bob’s until the next Kid Rock show there, because Fort Worth’s redneck past makes it seem like we’re a better fit for that racist jackass than Big D.

So what’s gonna happen?

Insert: Michael Jackson eating popcorn GIF.

This is really only interesting because right and left both claim Willie. Conservatives love that he plays both kinds of music, a genre made by crackers for crackers. The left loves that he’s a decent human being who smokes the grass, spreads *heart emoji*, and doesn’t believe in conspiracy theories or meanness. I couldn’t name a Willie Nelson song if you had a knife to my balls, but I sure do love him as a person and a Texan. It was only a couple of months ago when St. Willie stood on the steps of the Texas Capitol and led a thousand people in the chant “Vote them out!” as part of a rally against the state’s new voter suppression measures. I also love Billy Bob’s for understanding that in the Venn diagram of Texas Music, Willie is dead center. Maybe this is the sense of community we’ve been lacking since that orange stain first sullied the White House five years ago. Left and right coming together for some reportedly good tunes? Good on you, Fort Worth.

This Nov 20 show will be Willie’s 58th at Billy Bob’s since his first gig there on April 5, 1981, just four days after the venue opened. He goes on at 10pm. House band at 8. Tickets are $35-150. Calling the cops on an Open Carry asshole or spilling a beer on a dumbass in a MAGA hat is free.


On the Same Night as Willie’s Billy Bob’s Show …

… goth-rockers Evanescence are playing Dickies Arena. Why is this important? Fort Worth homeboy Will Hunt co-wrote a couple of songs on the band’s new album, its first in a decade. And it’s good: moody, loud, sweeping. Evanescence’s publicity company says the tour is already one of the year’s best and proves “the power of women in selling out arenas,” referring to frontwoman and chief songwriter Amy Lee, who’s recorded a bunch with Hunt in his Fort Worth studio. I couldn’t name an Evanescence song if you held a lighter to my stack of Silver Age comic books (please don’t), but I love Amy Lee for trusting the guy who regularly worked with one of my favorite bands of all time, Fort Worth’s Burning Hotels (R.I.P., that band; R.I.P., that old me who cared about local music way too much and got nothing in return).


Let’s bring it back to Saturday

Alt-rockers Arenda Light headline MASS, preceded by One-Eyed Monsters (Cyclops?) and cool Fort Worth singer-songwriter Ryker Hall. For tickets, visit Prekindle. I couldn’t name an Arenda Light song if you held a rattling razor over my luxurious mane, but I love Matt Mabe and Kris Luther, Arenda Light’s drummer and bassist respectively, and I know that if they’re in a band, that band raaawks.


On Thursday at The Post at River East …

… there’s this thing called Dadrock going down. Don’t know what it is, probably a cover band specializing in Counting Crows and Tom Petty tunes, but uber-popular soulman Josh Weathers and multiple Grammy winner Mark Lettieri are part of it, though I couldn’t name a Snarky Puppy song if you dangled my voter ID card over a woodchipper.

And the drummer will be Blaine Crews, an otherwise nice guy whose pro-MAGA rants online are threatening to overshadow his talent. And make at least half of Fort Worth gag. More than half, if the 2020 presidential election is to be believed. (Voter fraud, amirite, Blaine?!)


And on Saturday at Panther Island Pavilion …

… some country guy John Baumann, whoever he is (no offense), will headline the last Rockin’ the River. I’ve always loved this idea, lounging on a tube in the water, dranking some Cuhrs Laght, listening to live music, but since I couldn’t name a contemporary country song if you held a gun to my last bottle of Kraken, I’m a-scared that I’d feel like the music charlatan that I am wading into the Trinity. And a fatass. I’d feel like a fatass, too. Jon Stork (King of the South!), the Teague Brothers Band, Taylor Hunnicutt, and Western Youth will go on first. Gates open at 1pm. Following the after-party band at 8:25pm will be fireworks at 9:25. No cover. — Anthony Mariani


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