Tonya Harding Breaks Kneecaps Of Common Sense
The death of Nancy Kerrigan’s father prompted the Olympic medalist’s nemesis, Tonya Harding, to issue a statement saying how sad she feels and how sympathetic she is because, like, her dad died last year too you know.
At least she didn’t offer to take Kerrigan “clubbing” (rim shot goes here).
For the uninformed, Harding and Kerrigan were skating rivals at the 1994 Winter Olympics until Harding’s ex-husband hired a hit man to smack Kerrigan’s kneecaps. Kerrigan survived and prevailed, but Harding’s competitive figure skating career was over. That didn’t stop her from clinging to fame any way she could, from celebrity boxing matches to writing books to issuing distasteful public statements to the press.
Here’s today’s statement: “Tonya feels very sad for Nancy and her family and extends her deepest sympathy and condolences to them. Tonya’s beloved dad, Al Harding, passed away this past April, so she understands the grief Nancy and her family are feeling at this difficult time.”
Which is much better than her first draft: “Tonya feels very sad for herself because she tried to break Nancy’s legs prior to the Olympics and got caught, losing a buttload of endorsement money, and becoming a total loser. Even beating the crap out of Paula Jones barely made her feel gooder.”
“Damn that was fun. But anyhoo Tonya extends her deepest sympathy and condol … condollak … condolinnces to Nancy and them. Tonya’s dad died last year, you know, and Nancy didn’t even bother to make a public statement about it. And she’s supposed to be so sweet. Little Miss Perfect. La la la. Little Miss Ice Queen Bitch is more like it. But Tonya is a bigger person than her. So anyhoo, sorry y’all, and I forgive everybody for victimizing me, even our president, although that a-hole better not talk smack about me no more or I’ll kick his half-black ass halfway back to Africa. Buy my book, y’all.”