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This guy better hope he doesn't run into Bohannon.

Kidstuff from your trusty Weekly editor and the author of a daddy blog that you should definitely (probably?) check out, The Dadding Hack.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I probably never would have even rolled my eyes at “Great Train Robberies on the Grapevine Vintage Railroad.” The Stockyards, the stock show and rodeo, cowboy boots, buffalo sliders –– ehhh, I think I’ve seen enough Wild Wild West stuff, thanks. I mean, I had a couple beers at the White Elephant one night a couple of years ago. That kinda makes me a local, right?

Probably not. I’m still a yankee asshole, but now that my wife and I are addicted to Hell on Wheels, “Great Train Robberies on the Grapevine Vintage Railroad” actually moves the needle.

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So when the costumed “robbers” barge onto the train to distribute their “loot” to the kiddos, I’m seriously going to have to try to suppress my inner Cullen Bohannon, who would growl a few tough words through his luxurious beard before blasting them sumbitches with his Griswold. (Hell on Wheels viewing tip: Turn on the subtitles, because all of that old-timey twangin’ slang is sure as hell hard t’ folla.)

The conductor will shout, “All aboard!” at 1 p.m. every Saturday and Sunday this month before the train departs the Cotton Belt Depot (705 S. Main St., Historic Grapevine) for the Stockyards. Touring class tickets are $16, first class $26. Call 817-410-3185. Limited wheelchair accessibility.

Ever have your luxurious beard touched by an old Confederate army buddy you were forced to execute a few weeks earlier? There you are, sitting in your hollowed-out boxcar that was torched, along with the rest of your town, by some Indians whom you and your fellow railroad workers wronged, surrounded by mounds of snow and freezing your ass off though bundled up in pelts, designing what we will later find out are sleeping and dining cars, when Doc materializes in his dress grays to tell you that your mourning period is over and that it’s time to rejoin the land of the living. And then he reaches for your luxurious beard, and you wake up! And then you drag your BFF to New York City to argue for your job. Ever have that happen to you? If so, that’d be weird, because that sounds a lot like the first episode of Season 3. If not but if you’ve still had weird dreams and are a teenager, share them at 4 p.m. on Saturday at the Wedgewood library (3816 Kimberly Ln., 817-292-3368) as part of Dream Interpretation –– What Does It Mean? Participants also will learn how to analyze the symbolism in their dreams and keep a dream journal. Admission is free. Call 817-392-7323. The next ones are Saturday, Aug. 8, at the East Berry branch and Saturday, Aug. 22, at Ridglea.

Like me now, little Leroy Ninker dreams of being a cowboy. He’s got the hat, the lasso, the boots –– all that’s missing is his four-legged conveyance. But instead of a massive, muscular horse whom he can dub “Tornado,” Leroy meets Maybelline, “an old, four-toothed equine who comes with her own set of rules,” The New York Times says. “It’s love at first sight.”

Written by Newbery Medal winner Kate DiCamillo with illustrations by Chris Van Dusen, Leroy Ninker Saddles Up is a cute children’s book in which delusions transform into realities somewhat accidentally. “We can laugh at how [Leroy] goes about fulfilling” his dream, the Times writes, “but if he’s perfectly content at the end of the day, isn’t the laugh really on us?”

For more, go here.

Onstage at 10 a.m. Saturday at the Fort Worth Community Arts Center (1300 Gendy St.) is another rootin’, tootin’, cowpokin’ yarn: Little Red Riding Boots, a Westernized take on the fairytale of the pint-sized heroine (a.k.a. The Fair-Haired Maiden of the West) and the big bad wolf (a.k.a. The Swede) by Stolen Shakespeare Guild’s Children’s Theatre. Tickets are $7. Call 866-811-4111. Get $3 off with the online coupon code BOOTS.

And you’ve got only a few more weeks to enjoy Log Cabin Village. The old-timey town at 2100 Log Cabin Village Ln. near TCUland will close Aug. 22-Sept. 7 for maintenance. And the cabins look just like Elam’s place by the river. Weird. Admission is free-$5. Call 817-392-5881.

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