Hold onto your cancel culture gentlemen, we’re under fire again. Wait. Using the term “gentlemen” isn’t OK anymore, either? Well. Gentle people with penises, please go directly to your social media feeds, mash your caps lock into attack mode, and shout to the interwebs because political coercion and wokeness are running rampant in Cowtown.
The godless decision-makers at Texas UnChristian University have deemed the “freshmen” title not gender-neutral enough, so they’re removing it in favor of the touchy-feely “first-year student” identification. When did being male become a crime? Though we do commit more crimes, on average three times as many as women and nearly 90% of the murders, that isn’t the point. Women received the right to vote more than 100 years ago, from benevolent all-male federal legislators no less, and now members of the fairer sex are pillaging for more. Apparently, traditional academic titles are too masculine and gender-specific. This is obviously a calculated assault against the almost 41% who identified as male of last year’s TCU newcomers, in addition to all men everywhere. Disgusting.
The troubling progressivism of our hometown institution was brought to my attention by the enemy, a former SMU letterman — an alumni athletic designation TCU had already dropped in favor of the “Block T Association” — who obviously felt that rainbows and tolerance were being shoved down his throat and the days of enjoying life as a heteronormative Boomer were numbered. His fears were echoed by numerous commenters responding to reports of the change. I, for one, am elated that so many bearded men with truck selfies took the time to impart their worst fears for this country’s future. Forget voting rights, or gun violence, or an impending economic collapse. Removal of a gendered student designation from a primarily female institution is very clearly the first sign of the apocalypse. Though no one on TCU’s board would know it because they haven’t read the Book of Revelations. It’s in there. Trust me.
So what’s next? We could just accept this change of students being called students and identifying which credit year they’ve achieved (a common practice for those working toward graduate, law, or medical degrees), but that wouldn’t be right. Men everywhere should be irate. We’re under siege, and we’re offended. I mean, we’re not offended. Only liberal snowflakes who want things like safety and health care are offended these days. We’re angry. Angry! If you aren’t pissed off yet, just look at the statistics. The gender wage gap is shrinking. In 1980, women hauled in 64 cents for every dollar a man made among all workers. Now, women are making it rain with our tears with 84 cents for every dollar we bros generate. You might read that as women making more, but that’s only if you’re a Democrat. It’s actually men making less.
What happens if we just remove gender from our society altogether? Businesses won’t know who to underpay. Chaos will ensue. Californians relocating to Texas are obviously to blame for this and so much more, so what’s going to happen once they remove all gender identifications from our society? We won’t know who should raise the children at home and who should be able to get drunk and go golfing or hunting all weekend. This anarchy will result in feral gangs of children roaming the streets while everyone is golfing and hunting without knowing which bathroom to use. How will these children eat? Probably by morphing our well-appointed lawns into vegetable allotments that they’ll barter instead of selling, resulting in the collapse of the U.S. dollar. Some of these children might even get to eat for free. Without money, how will we know who should starve and who should have a vacation home?
The real issue here is not a title but oppression and tyranny. Removing gendered terms is starting to oppress men, especially white men, who rightfully perceive any tangible decrease in dominance as sacrilege. Oppression is a constant in our society, so any attempt to lessen the amount in circulation is futile. So if one group is rising, another must be falling, which is something I learned as a freshman in college. We also learned about extinction, which seems like a cautionary tale in retrospect and is what we’ll experience unless we utilize the full power of ALL CAPS incredulous social media commentary before it’s too late.
This editorial reflects the opinions of the author and not necessarily the Fort Worth Weekly. The Weekly welcomes all manner of political submissions. They will be edited for clarity and factuality. Please email Editor Anthony Mariani at email@example.com.