From now on, Marian “The Barbarian” is going to be called Marian “The Aquarium” – he appeared to be running underwater during that horrible goal line stand by the Chargers at yesterday’s 20-17 loss to the San Diego Chargers.

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Even the debut of 3-D glasses at an NFL game went over like a turd in the punchbowl. The performance by the Dallas Cowboys made spectators wish they were wearing these instead.

Here’s a photo of yesterday’s crowd during player introductions, further proof that Cowboys fans aren’t passionate in their support of America’s Team these days.

It’s a shame because, at kickoff, the Cowboys appeared primed to kick major ass. The adrenaline and excitement were palpable when Felix Jones banged the opening kickoff all the way to the 47-yard line. The weather perfect, the team was pumped up, and its fate hung in the balance.

“I wish I had bet on this game,” I said to a friend, wondering if it was too late to call a bookie.

Then the Cowboys drove down the field and stalled in the red zone. A warning bell went off in my head.

That same bell sounded like a World War II air raid siren after Marian “The So-Called Barbarian” couldn’t gain a yard – ONE FREAKING YARD! – in three attempts at the goal line while running behind premier blocker Leonard Davis.

“I’m glad I didn’t call a bookie,” I said after he was stuffed for the final time and the Cowboys turned the ball over on downs.

Marian “The Barbarian” used to run like a hungry, crazed pit bull attacking a side of beef. Now he runs like Marian “The Vegetarian” pushing green peas around on his plate while daydreaming about his Pilates instructor.

Jimbo, my football fanatic friend from East Texas, summarized every fan’s feeling when he said, “If you can’t score on first and goal from the 5 when your season is slipping away from you, its about time to call in the dogs,” he said. “I hate second-guessing play calling, but why didn’t we play-action on first down? The Cowboys had just run the ball down their throats for 90 yards and it was the perfect time.”

Hey Jimbo, I anticipate a head coaching vacancy next year. Please apply for it. You and a herd of rabid, blindfolded skunks could do better than Wade Phillips.

In fact, it’s past time for Wade Phillips to swap names with his dad.

Penalties and missed opportunities killed the Cowboys offense.

Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers killed the Cowboys defense — and made a complete tool out of safety Gerald Sensabaugh.

Still, the Cowboys deserve credit for playing their asses off and trying like hell to win the game. They didn’t quit. They just weren’t talented enough to win. No shame in that. (Well, the general manager ought to be ashamed for trading all our draft picks away to sign the woeful Williams.)

Favorite Quote Of The Game – “Whose fault is that one?” (Announcer Phil Simms after Nick Folk missed yet another field goal, even with new holder Tony Romo replacing the old holder whom Folk had hinted was the cause of his kicking woes).

Dumbest Play Of The Game – Williams caught a pass toward the end of that third-quarter, 99-yard drive, and then taunted a Chargers defensive back. First off, Williams hasn’t earned the right to taunt anyone except the man in the mirror. Second, he came close to drawing a flag that could have killed that drive. (A referee quickly jumped in and said something to Williams, and the taunting stopped).

Offensive Game Ball goes to Williams. His inability to get on the same page with his quarterback after two years, his back-to-back shitty seasons, his obscene salary, and his taunting in yesterday’s game are all truly offensive.

Defensive Game Ball Award goes to DeMarcus Ware. He’s played hurt all year, nearly paralyzed himself yesterday trying to sack Rivers, and then tried to pump up the team and fans while being carried off the field on a stretcher.

Dumbest Blogger Award — Me, for my “Off Asides” column last week that predicted the Cowboys would rebound to win three of their final four games and clinch their division. The chances of them winning their next three games, particularly without Ware, are about the same as Phillips’ Coach of the Year chances.

Separated At Birth Award – The Dallas Cowboys logo and this other logo.


  1. I am SO SICK of hearing about the Cowboys. HERE’S A NEWSFLASH FOLKS- THEY SUCK. The players are mostly a bunch of overpaid, hot-headed, cry-babies, the owner is a pompous ass who cares about nothing more than the almighty dollar, and the coach is a steaming, spineless turd. I hope this group of losers doesn’t score another point all season or EVER AGAIN and I hope that ridiculous stadium is sold off piece by piece to help North Texans with REAL problems- other than a bunch of shit-heads can’t win a game in December.