If Little Ricky Perry were on his high school debate team, he’d be having this conversation with his debate coach right about now:
PERRY: I can’t believe I got cut from varsity!
COACH: Don’t worry about it. You’ll excel on the junior varsity team, especially with those new glasses.
PERRY: But I was relying on the glasses to make me a star on the varsity team!
COACH: It takes more than glasses. It takes a sharp mind. Do you really think you could have stood toe to toe with little Donny Trump in a debate?
PERRY: Donny is a tough debater, but he’ll probably call the school janitor a drug-running rapist or something. Jeb Bush has the charisma of a chalk board. Teddy Cruz will shoot spitwads at everybody. Chris Christie will eat all the snacks. And Rand Paul and Marco Rubio are just so darned smug. Nobody likes them. I could have beat them all!
COACH: You’ll just have to impress television viewers during the pre-debate debate with the JV squad.
PERRY: But Donny won’t be on it, so nobody will watch! (Ricky removes his glasses and breaks down crying on his coach’s shoulder.) It’s not fair!
COACH: There, there … .
Fade to black.