I would say that the Republican National Convention isn’t going according to plan, but that would imply that somebody planned any of this in the first place. Last night, Texas’ junior senator and incurable turd in the punchbowl Ted Cruz managed to cleave the Republican Party in two by refusing to endorse Donald Trump for president, instead telling the delegates to “vote your conscience” to a storm of boos. Gee, it’s almost as if a man starts wanting revenge just because you spend months calling him names and saying his wife is ugly and accusing his father of murdering JFK. Because of Cruz’ despicable but also kinda cool nationally televised heel turn, nobody is talking about The Donald telling the New York Times that we should let the Soviet Union re-form, let alone Melania Trump’s plagiarized speech from Monday.
The fallout continues for Cruz. People reported from the tetchy meeting of Texas’ convention delegation, where Cruz made his first appearance after the speech. While Sarah Palin pronounces his career dead and Dan Coats calls him “a self-centered, narcissistic, pathological liar,” others are applauding his act of trollery and its long-term prospects for his career. Much as I detest his principles, I’m rather in awe of his devotion to them to the point where he just doesn’t care if everybody else hates him. I’m going to miss Donald’s speech tonight because I’ll be watching Bad Moms, which will probably be funnier and less terrifying. Everybody else should get their popcorn and pink lemonade and watch the circus.