This past weekend, the annual NFL player selection process took place in Green Bay. The Dallas Cowboys added nine players to their free agency-depleted roster, and their work over the three days is seen as either disciplined and deliberate, achieving high-value and future Pro Bowlers, or woefully boring and inadequate, inevitably leading to picking even higher in the order at next year’s draft, all depending upon the eye beholding.
In a bizarre (if increasingly common) mishap, beginning Thursday night, I, your intrepid Cowboys beat reporter, was inadvertently added to a chat thread on the encrypted communication app Signal that involved real-time draft day conversations among Cowboys insiders, including one participant who was present in the war room throughout the duration of the event.
Owed to its infinitely higher news value, in lieu of my usual annual Cowboys post-draft assessment, containing the typical pick-by-pick analysis and a mostly arbitrary summary grade — which the internets contain more of than deepfake celebrity videos of the adult variety — I have decided to publish these conversations in full and unredacted. I believe the contents provide more insight than any analysis I could offer.
The participants in the following chat thread are Troy Fakeman, a current player scout for the Cowboys in charge of Southeastern Waxahachie (present in the war room at The Star), and Bo Jacksboro, a 32-year veteran former scout who retired from the organization in 2022 (presumably from his couch at home).
Night 1
Troy Fakeman: Hey, Bo! It’s Draft Day, and I’m thinking of you. Still call bullshit that they forced you into retirement for ratting out Rich Dalrymple. That dude was a major creep and had to go. Speaking of creeps, Jerry already has three fingers of JW Blue hidden under one of the helmets on the desk in front of him. Also, I can’t see the Big Board because there’s too many damn Jones grandkids in here. Titans on the clock! Here we go!
Bo Jacksboro: Honestly, this is the best I’ve felt in years. I no longer have to steadily medicate myself with rot-gut bourbon just to resist driving my F-250 into the glass showcase training room at The Star. I’m down to one pack of Camel Wides per day. I’ve even stopped having the recurring nightmare where my wife leaves me at the altar for Taco Charlton. Still, I feel for you down there. Tell McClay I’m sorry I couldn’t get that bottle of Valium in time. I’ve lost my connection since Jerry stopped using me to mule hush money to his third baby-mama down at The Lodge.
Troy: Browns taking tackle Mason Graham at 5 has The Boss salivating over Shedeur Sanders. It’s Johnny Football all over again. And that goober with the pageboy cut, Mark Davis in Vegas, taking the runner Ashton Jeanty is just unfair. Jeanty should have been the next overworked running back we pay top of market for two years early.
Bo: I wouldn’t like taking a running back that high, anyway, especially with that lackluster offensive line, wide receiver group, quarterback, tight-end group, defense, special teams, and discount-rack coach. Jeanty doesn’t even perform a gimmicky gesture after trudging two yards. Dude isn’t ready for the unrelenting carnival of JerryWorld.
Troy: Damn! Looks like the pick we all wanted in Arizona receiver Tetairoa McMillan is going to Carolina here at 8. Stephen on the phone with Houston trying to bail out of 12. The Boss still trying to sell everybody on Shedeur. He unbuttoned his shirt like Superman to reveal a “$-squared” T-shirt underneath. Charlotte is crying.
Houston holding us up. Offer is their pick all the way down at 25, a late fourth, and a stack of BOGOs for entry to NASA. I’ve still never been. Hope they take it.
Bo: Is Jerry the last billionaire who hasn’t been to space? Maybe he can shoot Dak up there and strand him for the next four years. If so, would the league let the Jones family out of that contract? I’m going to send Jerry Jr. plans for a DIY submarine.
If the team can’t find a dance partner, someone better change Deion’s name in Jerry’s phone to “Secret Daughter.”
Troy: It’s our turn to pick now. Stephen able to talk Daddy down from Shedeur. Said something about a threat to tell Gene about another “gate agent” situation?!
Could go with Golden here. Lord knows CeeDee is the only wideout on the team with hands that aren’t made of Sakrete. But looks like Alabama guard Tyler Booker is gonna be the pick. I actually scouted him this year — my territory for Dallas is “O-linemen named Tyler.” He’s a mean SOB. Violent run blocker and solid in pass pro. Footwork is wonky at times, and he’s about as athletic as Chris Christie, but he makes up for it with elite football IQ and strength. Get your Aunt Jemima ready. Pancakes are coming! *pancake emoji*
Bo: I love the player, hate the pick. Matthew Golden reminds me of Golden Tate — and not just because they both have “Golden” in their names. Booker is going to be solid, but so is Wyatt Milum, who will probably still be there in Round 3. That’s another big spend on an interior lineman. Jerry is going to open the wallet for fellow guard Tyler Smith, and Stephen is going to have to figure out a way to keep deferring his payment until 2035. Smith will be the next Bobby Bonilla.
Troy: OK, Bo. I’m going to bed. Looooong night. Really hope Cleveland takes Sanders at 33 tomorrow. We started taking a drink every time Jerry mentioned Shedeur, and I’ve already puked twice. Can’t be playing that game again tomorrow.
Bo: Get some sleep. You’re going to need all your energy to stop Jerry from drunk-dialing Mike McCarthy every time ESPN shows the war room.
Night 2
Troy: OK. Cleveland officially on the clock to kick off Round 2. If you ask me, we entered the draft needing four — count ’em, four — starters. WR, RB, CB, and DT. Booker is great, but he doesn’t help tick any of those boxes. We’ve got just two picks today to fill four spots. Pray for me.
Bo: They have to go wide-out or running back, right? Jerry isn’t going to *gulp* pick the best player available, is he? That would be uncharacteristically responsible of him. Get that man another drink before he starts acting like a real-life GM.
Troy: We’re up next at 44. Stephen still trying to trade back. Jerry still talking about Deion’s kid. Schotty turning pale every time he does. Character is important to Marty’s kid. He’s like Garrett that way.
With the two Ohio State backs, Quinshon Judkins and TreVeyon Henderson, and the Missouri receiver Luther Burden all off the board now, the Cowboys’ hopes of legit offensive playmakers are disappearing faster than my kids’ college fund. (Lost a big prop bet earlier this year on whether or not the Mavs would ever trade Luka.)
Going with Boston College edge Donovan Ezeiruaku. “EZ,” they call him. Great player and great value here. I had a first-round grade on him. He’s as bendy as Gumby and slippery as a Texas state attorney general. He should feast on QBs if Micah gets doubled on the other side. Fits Schotty’s character-guy mold, too. Still doesn’t address our lack of playmakers. Think he can play TE?
Bo: I’m shocked. For one, I can’t believe Jerry isn’t leaping toward the podium to take Michigan cornerback Will Johnson with this pick. He’d be a Top-5 player if not for injuries. If there’s one thing Jerry loves, it’s JW Blue. If there’s two things Jerry loves, it’s JW Blue and making love children in the bathroom of a strip club. If there’s a third thing he loves, it’s picking talented players with devastating injury histories in the second round.
Ezeiruaku is going to be great, but this marks the third time the team has drafted a D end in the second round in the past four years. Have we already given up on Sam Williams and Marshawn Kneeland? That’s to say nothing of recent signees Payton Tuner and Dante Fowler. That D-end room is filling up faster than Jerry’s yacht when he and Michael Irvin sail to international waters with a bail of blow. I do miss that.
Troy: Third Round now. Jerry just can’t seem to help himself but to take a risk on Day 2. Whether injury or character bugs — Jaylon Smith, Sean Lee, Randy Gregory, Sam Williams … the list goes on. At least they waited ’til the third round this time instead of the second.
If he didn’t tear his ACL last September, Shavon Revel Jr. from Eastern Carolina was my third-ranked corner. I expected him to be gone 50 picks ago. The Boss got up and danced when we put the card in. Which, combined with all the Johnny Walker, made me puke (again) and made Charlotte cry (again). Revel has all the length and speed and ballhawking ability we love, but with Diggs still recovering from surgery and Jourdon Lewis gone in FA, you might have to come back from retirement to play in the secondary to start the season.
Bo: Did Bill Parcells drug the real Jerry and wear a rubber Jones suit for this draft? All of these picks *checks notes* make sense. It’s not the way I would have gone with Iowa running back Kaleb Jones still on the board, but I’m not complaining. If Revel’s knee doesn’t explode, this could be the steal of the draft. Tell the Tuna he still owes me $5 over that Bobby Carpenter pick.
Day 3
Troy: Just got here! A massive hangover and the fact that I knew we wouldn’t be on the clock for 46 freakin’ picks allowed me sleep in a little. No one has seemed to notice my absence.
That fourth we gave up for Johnathan Mingo really bit us today. All the legit three-down running backs are long gone. At 149 in the fifth, we’ve had to resort to Jaydon Blue. He’s got potential. He’s a speedy back and a threat to take it to the house anytime he touches the ball, but he’s also a threat to put it on the ground just as likely (eight fumbles at Texas). He has a harder time holding onto the ball than Joe Biden has with holding onto a coherent thought. And he does little to improve an RB room stuffed with second- and third-tier options in the backfield.
Bo: Blue represents good value at this spot in the draft, but I doubt he’ll ever be a three-down workhorse. He reminds me of Felix Jones a few years back: all speed, not much else. Still, it’s nice to have a homerun threat not named Turpin on the roster.
Troy: Whoa! We’re on the clock again! Stephen just had to get a trade done at some point. He really likes cosplaying as GM. Arizona gave us 5/152 for our 5/174 and 6/211. We’re grabbing linebacker Shemar James from Florida. Schotty needs special teams. Might also be able to be a stopgap until Demarvion “Agent Zero” Overshown is back from his most recent horrific knee injury.
Bo: Are they drafting only team captains this year? Maybe Jerry is trying to start a Boy Scout troop. It’s a good thing Jerry’s buddy Jeff Epstein isn’t around anymore.
James is a strange player to scout. He was borderline amazing against the pass two years ago, and he sucked against the run. Last year, he couldn’t cover a duvet, but he was solid against the ground game. I trust defensive coordinator Matt Eberflus to sort him out, though. Good pick.
Troy: Man, I always forget how long Day 3 takes! It’s 3 p.m., and there’s still the better part of two rounds to go! At 204, we’ve taken Oregon offensive tackle Ajani Cornelius. I couldn’t tell you much about him other than that his name sounds like it’s backwards. He’s not in my scouting territory as his name is not Tyler. O-line depth is always good to have though.
Bo: He’s a small-school transfer who was a key part of Oregon’s elite O-line. He gave up only three sacks last year, and he was nominated for the Jason Witten Collegiate Man of the Year award. My money is on him to take the job away from the ghost of Terence Steele at right tackle before the season is over.
Troy: Sorry! Fell asleep! Head is pounding. We finally took a big ’ol boy to open the final round at 217. UCLA D-tackle Jay Toia is the classic “trash can fulla dirt” (6’2” 342!). Hopefully he’ll be able to hold up in run D better than 2023 first-round bust Mazi Smith. We also grabbed the running back version of Toia at 7/239 in Clemson’s Phil Mofah (6’1” 234). That’s some serious beef for a runner. But again, why are we loading up on so many backup-to-backup-level RBs? It’s not like we can combine two or three of them into some sort of serviceable undead Frankenstein starter.
Bo: Tell me about it. By this time of the draft last year, I was so high on molly, I called McClay 17 times to pound the table for Purdue cornerback Caelen Carson, who has all the mobility of a Rascal Scooter.
I love the big fella, Mofah. They need someone like him. He’s got more girth and attitude than Nate Newton during a three-day bender at the White House. I miss that, too.
Troy: Finally, it’s over! With pick 247, we get another D-tackle in Tommy Akingbesote from Maryland. Similar to the RB situation. Arbitrarily throwing numbers at a position doesn’t necessarily fix it. Best part of the pick is that it’s our last one.
All told, I guess I’d give us a solid B- for our work this year. Great players taken and a ton of value in the early rounds, but I can see only Booker being ready to start Week 1. “EZ” will likely be a rotational player, and Revel is probably starting camp on PUP. Blue could one day be a star, but he’s a third-down/change-of-pace back at most. We’ll see how many of the others even make it onto the 53.
Still have a glaring hole at WR2. I give my liver, however, an A+ for keeping pace. Time to go sign some UDFAs. A gentleman’s work is never done. Hope to see you at Media Day in Oxnard!
Bo: Don’t count on it. I’ve got shipment of ayahuasca coming in soon. I’ll be speaking to dead kings by then. I give the team a solid B. The Booker pick was too soon, but then again, only about 50% of first rounders earn a second contract. I’ll bet he’s one of them. Day 2 alone was an A for me, unless of course Revel’s leg turns into an exploding cigar. I admire the Jones family’s discipline in not reaching for need. However, with a 31-year-old QB who is injured a lot, this youth may not be ready on Dak’s timeline.
At least the team didn’t draft the Sanders kid. We don’t need Dak looking over his shoulder. That’s an injury risk at his age.
