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The tens of thousands of Ohio and Oregon residents traveling to Tarrant County for the college football championship game on Monday will be flaunting their school colors proudly. However, here’s how to tell the difference between them when they’re wearing regular clothes:

Ohioans watching the longhorn cattle drive in the Stockyards will refer to them as “meat on the hoof.” Oregonians will call them “cool cows,” and hope they live a long, healthy life.

Oregonians at the bar will order a Widmer Hefeweizen, Obsidian Stoutcraft, or some other craft beer. Ohioans will order Budweiser, Old Milwaukee, or whatever’s on sale.

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Ohioians will smell marijuana smoke wafting from someplace and go to see what’s up. Oregonians will be creating the smoke.

Oregonians will make snarky in-jokes about cable TV’s hipster comedy Portlandia. Ohioans will make reverential references to My Big Redneck Vacation.

Ohioans are mad about football –– any football –– and will stop their cars and start cheering if they see two Cowtown kids tossing a pigskin in a front yard. Oregonians will say, “Those lazy kids ought to be on a 27-mile hike up the side of a mountain.”

Oregonians speak lovingly of beavers –– they’re the Beaver State after all. Ohioans refer to beavers as “meat on the hoof.”

Ohioans will walk into a local barbecue joint and ask for corned beef. Oregonians will ask if the produce is organic and local, not realizing local barbecue restaurants have never heard of produce.

Oregonians have no pro football team and spend their Sundays rappelling inside the mouths of volcanoes. Ohioans root for the Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals, which is like hurtling yourself into the mouth of a volcano.

Ohioans take pride in being a swing state that determines which presidential candidate becomes the leader of the free world. Oregonians wish somebody cared what they think about anything.

Oregonians will keep a straight face while discussing a football team called the Ducks. Ohioans will insist the Buckeyes deserve the national championship even if they lose by 42 points.

2 COMMENTS

  1. I’m from Eugene, Oregon, and I am smiling. We happened to spend four days in fine Ft. Worth last summer to pick up our daughter at the tail end of a five week summer ballet intensive training from the Texas Ballet Theatre held at TCU. Well.. heck. Ok, your blog post on the difference between Oregonians and Ohioans is funny and pretty right on. We came back to Oregon raving about the damn fine brisket and amazing Tex-Mex but noting the only green thing we saw on our plates was the guacamole. We also spent a day in Dallas (great giant eyeball! That was SO Portlandia!) and realized… Ft. Worth is the real Texas. Dallas, must be all hat and no cattle territory. Ft. Worth? We looked at all those tall lean muscular looking cowboys and realized,.. “oh hey, they are all naturally on the paleo diet!” (Look it up).

    Anyway… we love our Ducks and the more you learn about them, the more amazed you will be. They really are a team that thinks of themselves as a family and as a team, not a collection of individual superstars, and Marcus Mariota is for real the humblest guy you will ever meet, its no act.

    The only blemish on Mariota;s record is getting caught speeding 80 in a 65 mph zone (Texans never speed across those vast miles, right?) on the highway back from the coast. The cop TRIED to only give him a warning, but Mariota said, no, people will hear about it and think you gave me special treatment, so please write the ticket.) And then he said he would donate to the policemans charity fund after he turned prol

    Also… he was not actually in his car, he was on foot!

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